Transcript
WEBVTT
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Oh Hello, I didn't see you
there. Please ignore my mess. I'm
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just fixing a little issue we had
recently. I guess we should get started.
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Did I mention adult themes? How
about our strict no children policy?
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Ariel is here with what do you
call them? Oh stories, and if
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you were all your best behavior,
we might just be able to have some
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guests later. I guess I should
start putting this thing back together. Welcome
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to down to folk. Enjoy the
show. Once upon a time there is
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an enchanted city that sat below the
waves. It was built of the most
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vibrant quarrel and on sunny days it
would glisten like heaven in radiant light beams.
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All of the ocean's creatures looked upon
the palace in reverence and were frenzied
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in delight any chance they had to
swim or crawl through the Central Castle's massive
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gates. But this day was not
one for celebration, as the sea slugs
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and flounder and turtles and crabs and
eels and all manner of swimming things descended
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upon the center amphitheater of the castle. Their King, a Merman of great
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strength and a flowing white beard,
was not well and wasn't likely to last
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the day. His many daughters,
for he had no sons, surrounded his
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bed and could be heard weeping and
singing from his chambers. The mourners looked
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on as a sea horse emerged and
nodded his head. Sadly, their king
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had breathed his last through his gills
like, well, like a fish,
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because even though he appeared half man, it's not like he could suddenly breathe
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in salt water and be totally fine. He drowned, probably, but I
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mean, even if he didn't,
salt water consumption messes with your brain and
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causes you to go completely out of
your mind. I'm serious, Google it.
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But heavier still was the weight of
the crown that now had to be
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placed on his eldest daughter's head,
for she had not found a husband and,
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due to the Patriarchy and whatever,
she had to produce a male heir
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before she could rule her kingdom.
And so, though her heart was aggrieved,
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she set her ministers to find her
a suitable companion who could bless her
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with children and allow her to ascend
to her rightful place on the throne.
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As they departed, she slipped away
to her special cove, the one in
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which she secretly kept her treasures,
the biggest mermaid. It was a tight
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fit, but it was a place
all her own. She had corkscrews and
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paintings and children's flip flops a plenty, all things that were so exotic to
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her life under the sea. To
be completely honest, she was tired of
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living in the ocean and longed to
be among the humans. One evening,
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as she swam near the surface,
forbade by the oldest laws of the land,
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she spotted a ship and heard music. Fireworks were exploding above and she
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was enraptured. Her curiosity got the
better of her and she simply had to
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see what was on board. Heaving
herself up onto the side of the boat.
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When you swim all the time,
you get some wicked powerful of her
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body strength, she peered through the
slats of wood, and that's when she
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saw him, a handsome prince with
dimples and deep dark hair, dancing with
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a big fairy creature of which she
couldn't remember the name. Mop She thought
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it was mob, but as she
fell deeply in love at first sight,
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her weight on the side of the
ship caused the boat to capsize. And
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the entire crew and all of the
merrymakers were pitched into the black and sea.
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She was horrified as she watched the
unconscious prince drift downwards, and so
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she dove to retrieve him and return
him to the dry land. She was
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such an excellent swimmer she could have
saved them all, but she didn't really
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know them and kind of wanted a
minute alone with the handsome prince. When
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he was safely ashore, she practiced
C P R until he vomited, but
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it was the most beautiful vomit she'd
ever seen. It was the only vomit
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she'd ever seen. People just don't
do that in Magic Kingdoms of the ocean,
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but she didn't mind. She wiped
it away before rinsing her hand.
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As the prince sputtered and slowly opened
his eyes. Who, who are you?
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She heard a strange sound drawing near
and, without a word, lapped
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back into the waves, returning below
to the castle. She realized she had
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been gone too long, so,
pretending she had needed to be alone in
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her grief, she met her first
suitor. He had been brought on the
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back of a sea turtle who hadn't
quite gotten gist of what this whole thing
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was about. The turtle carried a
strapping human man in hunting attire, devastatingly
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handsome, with a deep cleft Chin
and a ponytail. Unfortunately, he was
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dead as a door nail. It
turns out he'd been a Frenchman, the
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most handsome in his whole provincial's village, but after having lost an m may
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fight to a big hairy dude,
some details are fuzzy. He had turned
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to sailing. When offered the hand
of the Most Beautiful Mermaid and future Queen,
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he immediately thought it was only befitting, but of course he drowned,
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so it didn't quite work out.
Next to sea slug slithered in with a
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sack and toe. The sack gloat
of Purple, but the biggest mermaid couldn't
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quite figure out what could be inside
and how on earth it would help her
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to marry. The sea slug opened
the sack and unfurled the body of a
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man made entirely of egg plants and
toothpicks. They don't just hold together on
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their own. The man had been
beloved in his hometown and a masterful chef,
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he'd been told, and he paid
to gold for the sack that this
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the princess side shaking her head.
She knew if she planted one kiss on
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that thing she was likely to turn
into seaweed or something. Sea slugs are
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known for being complete idiots, and
this one had clearly not read his history
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books. The third a cuttlefish,
brought in a suitor who was indeed half
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fish and Halfman, but unfortunately the
wrong half of each. cocking her head
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to the side, she couldn't take
her eyes off the weird blowy thing and
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it's rippling Zac just below the scale
line of his upper body. Nope,
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that wasn't going to work. Had
No one thought to find a Mermaian for
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her? Seriously, she wanted her
land prints, but this was ridiculous.
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One after another, she could find
no one with whom to form a suitable
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match. Exhausted and frustrated, she
once again slipped away to the surface.
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On the beach she found the prince
walking along the sand, looking off into
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the waves, with that mop thing
running after him. He seemed to be
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searching, maybe for her. She
wasn't about to go to the sea witch.
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She saw what happened to her younger
sister and a lot of her cousins.
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Honestly, the whole thing creeped her
out, and so she steeled herself
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and swam towards the shore, certain
she would have to win his heart on
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her own. She would have her
voice, but she would have no legs.
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Hello, she called out, barely
bring her head above the water.
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He began to look about frantically and
finally saw the young woman dreading water before
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him. He was mesmerized her long
flowing white locks, her piercing Turquoise eyes,
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as blue as the sea, her
coral red lips and blushing cheeks.
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In the twilight, she seemed other
worldly, the most gorgeous woman he'd ever
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laid eyes on. And yet she
was familiar. Somehow. Could she be
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the one, the one who had
saved his life? Oh, come to
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me, my dear you saved my
life and I must thank you. Please,
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please, hasten. She dipped back
under the water and swam until she
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was in the shallows, her tail
hidden by the shadows of the Waning Sun.
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Every inch closer she became more beautiful. Who, who are you?
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She looked down timidly before raising her
eyes to him. I am Acculina,
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eldest daughter of Poseidon. I her
eyes fell down cast again. Poseidon,
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you mean the King of the ocean? Yes, she replied forlornly. I
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I had to save you. You, you, you're the most breathtaking creature
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of the land dwelling world. He
dropped to his knees in the shallow water.
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And you, Occulina, are the
most exquisitely beautiful creature of the sea.
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I could even imagine such a gentle, soft face and such strapping shoulders
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and packs. He placed his fingers
beneath her Chin and lift it, leaning
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in for a deep and passionate kiss. He then leaped to his feet,
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laughing and running and spinning, shouting
I feel as if I could fly.
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He suddenly stopped and looked to her
in excitement, before running back to her,
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once again on his knees in the
waves. Marry me, Acculina,
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marry me. Say Yes. I
shall die if you don't say yes.
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She smiled gently before she spoke.
A bird may love a fish, sire,
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but where will they live? The
prince's expression faltered. There must be
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some way, but even he had
no ideas. The only way to have
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legs was to sign a contract with
the sea witch, and she would never
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then be with me this night.
Let us make love and remember our time
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together forever. He passionately kissed her
once more and she felt her body shudder
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at his embrace. They caressed each
other, breathing in the salty breathe in
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the last rays of Sun. She
paused, placing a finger on his lips.
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Give me a child, she whispered, and he will forever be my
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prince. They swayed together in the
sands and tides, feeling their closeness against
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the chill of the cooling water.
They were skin to skin and eager for
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each other. But then the prince
faltered once more. How do I?
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I mean, okay, how does
how does this work? She drew back
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her chin. While, my darling, it's called spawning. She blushed.
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But what do I essentially, your
sperm and my eggs will mix in the
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water. So all you need to
do, she drew him near once more,
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is blow your load like the big
strong men you are. With that,
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his face contorted into vinegar strokes,
a bizarre Oh shap of his mouth
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as he appeared to fall into fits
of seizures. With this, she drew
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up, water splashing behind her like
an epic Disney movie and her eggs dispersed
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from her body. Afterwards, she
stroked his face while he lay as if
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comatose, eyes open, but on
seeing the morning was nigh and she had
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to return to her home. Goodbye, sweet prince, she whispered, kissing
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him once more, she gathered up
all her little fertilized eggs and, upon
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arriving at the castle, she announced
that she had a princely air, but
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her beloved prince had passed in the
night. Still, her coronation proceeded and
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Queen Acuilina took the throne, where
she ruled for many hundreds of years.
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She hadn't lied, though the prince
had passed away in the night. You
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see, she had taken one last
thing to add to her secret treasure grotto,
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a human penis, and that shit
bleeds like a motherfucker. Oops,
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my bat. Sorry, Ariel,
I'll go ahead and finish that for you,
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Um humble farmer. When to go
yup, that's should do it.
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Oh, look at that, we
have company. Let's grab a spot on
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a bench by the fire and see
who a special guests are deep in the
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forest where all manner of creepiness lives. Under the canopy of trees so thick
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no sun peaks through. Two witches
dance around a fire just like this one.
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As witches go, these were no
beauties, perhaps approaching the ripe old
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age of fifty. Still, they
pushed past their aching bones and swollen ankles,
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determined to fix the one thing that
really sucks about being a woman,
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whether you're mortal or a witch,
spoiler alert, it still sucks. When
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shall we three meet again? In
thunder lightning or in rain? Wait,
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there's only two of us. Shut
thy mouth and spell with me. Double,
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double, toil and trouble, fire, burn and cauldron, bubble,
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Allah, youth, they did take
hair that's gray and hair that's fake.
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I have a newt won't clear the
fog. Tired bones feeling like dogs.
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Growing older has a sting. Menopause
is not a fun thing. We feel
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hot, cold and in trouble as
our chins fill up with stubble, bubble,
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bubble, toil and trouble. Ladies
know they feel it double. With
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words we stopped the curse. We
cannot feel even mors dostole field bettersted.
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Sweat is running down my back,
the prick of cold is standing on my
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arm. Hairs on end and I
have a slight headache. Perhaps a stronger
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spell my sister. Even now my
stomach Crampson at the same time I create
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both chocolate and crisps. You can
probably cut the bullshit. I don't think
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there's another way out of this.
My sister. Trying is half the fun.
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Perhaps something more extreme, something to
reverse time, like in the great
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story of Focus Pocus. Well,
maybe Jack Nicholson could come by and hang
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out. How about we turn some
children into rodents and then eat them?
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You always love a good wiggly snack. That reminds me of the time those
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high school girls with plaid many skirts
tried to steal our powers. They were
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delicious. I'm convinced that Jen xers
always taste best such complex labors, with
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a hint of coffee and nicotine and, if you're lucky, a dash of
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clove and cinnamon. Let's just exploit
Yonder town and see if any Sandra bullock
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looking ladies are interested in helping out
the aging sisters. Sandy has some good
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magic. That girl doesn't look a
day over forty. As they trudged out
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of the forest, they took on
their favorite disguise. Two Twenty something backpackers
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exploring the world one bench at a
time. Hostels, is everyone knows,
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are the best place to hunt for
something or someone to sacrifice. This time
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our witches picked Spain because they love
ham, bread and cheese and good wine,
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most whitches do. They settled into
a small tea house, or Tetaria
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as the locals called it, with
plans to move on to tap us at
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the bar around seven. The lack
of chairs was little problematic and they grunted
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as they sat on the floor cushions. Soon the place was filled with travelers
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of all ages. Of course,
all the tea was spiked with a bit
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of the witch's potion, and soon
the entire tea Tariya was full of sleeping
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tourists. Now what? Let's just
pick the best one, let their Croat
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and drink the blood. It's got
to be a young one, a handsome
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one. I'll start the fire.
With a whisk of her hands, one
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of the witches created a fire pit
much like this one in the middle of
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the shop. Over it was a
cauldron, as is typical for like all
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which stories. The fire was huge, flickered and red and orange, and
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soon the air was thick with smoke. This one will do. Help me
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move him. He's so heavy.
You've never really had any upper body strength.
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Together, the witches pulled and heaved
a young, handsome millennial backpacker towards
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the cauldron. They positioned him over
the cauldron and pulled out a blade.
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Just then they heard the tinkle of
the bells of the door and drop the
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00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:11.309
boy, surprised to see someone walk
in. The person screamed and shouted Serrie
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00:19:11.349 --> 00:19:15.750
called one thousandnine hundred and ninety nine
grab but it was too late. It
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00:19:15.950 --> 00:19:19.230
turns out starting fires and tea shops, no matter where you are in the
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00:19:19.309 --> 00:19:26.339
world, is never a good idea. Suddenly, firefighters and police bombarded the
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00:19:26.420 --> 00:19:30.900
shop. The witches huddled behind a
table, frantically whispering another spell to save
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00:19:32.019 --> 00:19:36.500
them from prison time. In their
haste, they drop their blade on the
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00:19:36.579 --> 00:19:41.210
ground and didn't see the clever woman
who foiled their plans had picked it up.
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00:19:41.730 --> 00:19:45.130
Die Bitches, the beauty screamed,
coming at them. If I can
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00:19:45.170 --> 00:19:48.890
keep a bus from exploding, be
a cool cop, a boss and a
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00:19:48.890 --> 00:19:53.400
beauty queen, I can kill you
bull. And in that moment both witches
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00:19:53.519 --> 00:19:59.960
looked at each other with a knowing
smile as sandy killed them with their own
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00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.440
blade. Only they would know the
truth. Sandra bullock, it's the most
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00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:11.549
powerful witch, and clearly that's why
she looks so young, and it's so
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00:20:11.710 --> 00:20:17.589
successful and thin and apparently a decent
human being, because she gives money to
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00:20:17.670 --> 00:20:23.259
charity. And it's their spirits descended
into hell. The witches. We're glad
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00:20:23.579 --> 00:20:27.259
to let go of their worldly bodies. No need to pretend. In Hell,
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00:20:27.700 --> 00:20:33.019
hot flashes and a bad attitude are
welcome there, along with cauldrons and
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00:20:33.339 --> 00:20:40.849
fires, and the witches anted as
they arrived in the fiery hereafter double,
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00:20:41.170 --> 00:20:48.529
double toil and trouble, by a
burn and couldron bubble. Sandy bullock,
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00:20:48.730 --> 00:20:55.839
our lives did take that bitch rules
and is not fake. I have newt
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00:20:55.960 --> 00:21:03.079
and I have tiger procrastinate. No
more weary writer. Too much fun in
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00:21:03.400 --> 00:21:08.670
life we had. Now on to
hell because we're bad. A good run
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00:21:08.829 --> 00:21:14.990
it was, and now it's over. Time to burn. Will be back
225
00:21:15.150 --> 00:21:21.539
and I'll tell okay, shut off
to the fiasco last week, I have
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00:21:21.779 --> 00:21:26.019
decided to let you read this week's
end of show copy. Thank you for
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00:21:26.140 --> 00:21:30.259
listening to down to folk. Our
Mermaid story was written and performed by the
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00:21:30.339 --> 00:21:36.289
beautiful and talented aerial cooksie of the
malice podcast. Our story of two witches
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00:21:36.569 --> 00:21:40.730
was written by Electricia and Shauna,
of two girls on a bench. They
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00:21:40.769 --> 00:21:45.250
also played the roles of the witchy
sisters. Your narrator was our very own
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00:21:45.329 --> 00:21:49.000
and very talented Chad Brock, Braider
of the perfect package podcast. Point.
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00:21:49.440 --> 00:21:55.359
Sure a lot of boats around some
of these words. Please just stick to
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00:21:55.440 --> 00:22:00.279
the script. Sorry. visit our
website, DTF Storiescom, or visit US
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00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:04.509
across all social media at DTF stories. Down to full and two girls on
235
00:22:04.549 --> 00:22:07.950
a bench are part of the pod
fix network. Head over to pop hot
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00:22:07.990 --> 00:22:14.390
fix Networkcom and find all of the
amazing shows that they have to offer.
237
00:22:14.710 --> 00:22:18.660
Wow, more quotes and just a
friendly reminder. If you like what we
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00:22:18.740 --> 00:22:23.140
do here, you can support US
financially either at paid hate hate hatreoncom slash
239
00:22:23.140 --> 00:22:27.619
DTF stories. We have all kinds
of cool swag and bonus content there.
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There, and if you don't want
to get tied down to a monthly commitment,
241
00:22:32.210 --> 00:22:40.769
you can swing over to cocoa kofiecom. That's Ko ficom, dtttf stories.
242
00:22:41.009 --> 00:22:44.319
Just a kind way of saying hey, good job, keep up the
243
00:22:44.359 --> 00:22:48.880
good work. On behalf of the
Ministry of augmented something, something and Ka.
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00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:53.000
This is Chad Brockbreeder Simer noll.
Almost perfect. See you next week,
245
00:22:53.319 --> 00:23:00.349
Warrington. Out You've been listening to
a podcast of the pod fix network.
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00:23:00.670 --> 00:23:03.950
Discover more audible gym's like this at
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and make sure to subscribe to pod
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podcasts, the pod fix network artist
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