June 30, 2021

Miners Not Minors

Miners Not Minors

Orphans, Cannibals, and Callbacks...it's Down To Folk.


Orphans, Cannibals, and Callbacks...it's Down To Folk. 

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About UsWhat happens when you take three people,  put them inside a Secret Government Agency and give them access to the largest collection of folklore, fairytales, and legends that have (n)ever existed? 

Down To Folk is manufactured by M.A.S.S.K. The Ministry of Augmented Something Something, and a K. 

**Down to Folk is a work of comedy fiction.  The views and opinions related within should be taken as such, and are not the views and opinions of the creators, writers, or performers.  No children were harmed while creating this podcast, although, a few deaths have occurred, but that 'twas the Wendigo I reckon.**  

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Transcript
WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.359 --> 00:00:08.509 Greetings and welcome to another lack luster episode of Keith Gaula's favorite podcast, down 2 00:00:08.589 --> 00:00:12.869 to fork. We have so much hot story action for you this week. 3 00:00:12.949 --> 00:00:17.670 We will get right to it. Adult themes are a plenty and children friendly 4 00:00:17.789 --> 00:00:22.699 content is nil. Stop forcing your kids to listen. Chan Alana, Bing 5 00:00:22.820 --> 00:00:27.179 Bang, or whatever your name is. Yes, we are unto you. 6 00:00:28.260 --> 00:00:31.980 Now sit back, relax and pray to the God of your parents choosing that 7 00:00:32.140 --> 00:00:50.240 we make it through this episode. The window go sat perch to top as 8 00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:55.479 favorite peak, high above the forests and even some of the clouds, gazing 9 00:00:55.560 --> 00:01:00.240 down forlornly at the world below. Twas the Windowgo, I reckon the ever 10 00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:07.390 present rejoinder any time there was any upheaval, any destruction, any blood. 11 00:01:07.549 --> 00:01:12.950 Twas the Windowgo, I reckon. He have to bitter side himself. They 12 00:01:14.030 --> 00:01:19.340 had no idea, none of them. He dragged on his Palmer, wishing 13 00:01:19.500 --> 00:01:23.540 he'd sprung for the Natcherman meant, but work had been hard to come by. 14 00:01:23.739 --> 00:01:27.540 Of course he do anything for Charlotte, and she was crafty, always 15 00:01:27.540 --> 00:01:33.250 ponying up what they'd agreed upon, though, truth be told, he'd probably 16 00:01:33.290 --> 00:01:38.250 do her bidding for free. But she had been quiet lately poor health. 17 00:01:38.569 --> 00:01:42.090 She was a spider, after all, and they simply don't live that long. 18 00:01:44.569 --> 00:01:49.560 She'd taken Wilmer's death hard and turned to the bottle, which only progressed 19 00:01:49.640 --> 00:01:53.359 things further. He hoped the eggs she now carried with her in her sack 20 00:01:55.079 --> 00:01:59.280 didn't suffer the effects. It would be hard enough on them without a mother 21 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:07.109 mother. He sighed and thought of his own mother. My Darling, this 22 00:02:07.150 --> 00:02:12.150 is a wicked world and full of chaos. People will not always be good 23 00:02:12.270 --> 00:02:16.979 and fair to you. They will believe about you whatever suits their own agenda, 24 00:02:19.099 --> 00:02:25.460 but you must have courage and be kind. Mr snuggles had slaughtered her 25 00:02:25.939 --> 00:02:31.129 right in front of him, slurping this in use from her bones, but 26 00:02:31.370 --> 00:02:37.810 the window girl couldn't move. He had been paralyzed with fear. That thing 27 00:02:38.370 --> 00:02:43.810 was the real monster and his keeper, that puppet master of a child. 28 00:02:44.719 --> 00:02:49.719 She wielded him like a weapon, devilishly delighting in the carnage. She was 29 00:02:49.800 --> 00:02:55.919 worse than with their bare and he'd had plenty of runnins with her, snuffing 30 00:02:55.960 --> 00:03:00.069 out the cigarette that he'd forgotten was in his hand. He looks down at 31 00:03:00.110 --> 00:03:07.110 his side. He still bore her scars. Okay, so he wasn't entirely 32 00:03:07.189 --> 00:03:12.110 a pacifist, but he only worked for his paycheck. Not many people willing 33 00:03:12.189 --> 00:03:15.699 to hire a hideous winged creature reputed to be a Cannibal for work. That's 34 00:03:16.180 --> 00:03:21.659 on the level, so to speak. So sure, he goreed frond's parents, 35 00:03:22.099 --> 00:03:24.539 but again, that was for Charlot, and she was only avenging the 36 00:03:24.620 --> 00:03:30.250 death of her friend. And yes, the dragons to but that was part 37 00:03:30.330 --> 00:03:35.210 of a curse and you just don't cross the fairy godmother. Most people don't 38 00:03:35.210 --> 00:03:38.689 know that, but he'd seen what she could do. He didn't really have 39 00:03:38.770 --> 00:03:44.680 a choice, he told himself. Yes, he did, that voice in 40 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:47.439 the back of his head that needled at him. Yes, he had a 41 00:03:47.520 --> 00:03:53.719 choice. He was just spineless. All he'd ever wanted was to be a 42 00:03:53.800 --> 00:04:00.469 florist. That's how that stupid enchanted rose came about. Anyway. He was 43 00:04:00.509 --> 00:04:03.949 rather gifted. No peg pen, to be sure, that due too chops, 44 00:04:04.949 --> 00:04:09.710 but he related to pick pin. Nobody liked him either, but it 45 00:04:09.830 --> 00:04:15.020 wasn't because he was a bad guy. He was just misunderstood, like the 46 00:04:15.060 --> 00:04:20.420 WINDIC. He glanced at his phone. He had a few bars. Maybe 47 00:04:20.459 --> 00:04:25.529 he should call Lilian. She and Walt could maybe do him a favor rewrite 48 00:04:25.610 --> 00:04:30.889 the story in their Disney way of things. No, he didn't deserve that, 49 00:04:30.889 --> 00:04:34.170 not after what he did to the miners, like the the ones that 50 00:04:34.250 --> 00:04:39.920 worked in the mine. He didn't do anything with miners like children. You 51 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:45.600 know, that's like a notch below politicians. But he probably shouldn't have eaten 52 00:04:45.639 --> 00:04:49.839 that eighth one. He just misunderstood the exchange. He was supposed to collect 53 00:04:49.839 --> 00:04:55.069 a minor fee from Lilian for killing her bitch of a step other. He 54 00:04:55.230 --> 00:04:59.670 thought she meant a fee in the form of a miner, again, the 55 00:04:59.709 --> 00:05:04.029 kind that worked in the mines. He didn't dare go near like young people, 56 00:05:04.230 --> 00:05:10.100 tight miners, not after what happened Adela, but that's a story for 57 00:05:10.180 --> 00:05:16.420 another day. Twas the Windowgo I reckon. He closed his eyes and shook 58 00:05:16.579 --> 00:05:21.129 his head, lighting up another cigarette and sipping on the Glen Fittic. He'd 59 00:05:21.170 --> 00:05:26.089 been nursing for over an hour now. The eyes is melted, but he 60 00:05:26.129 --> 00:05:31.209 didn't care. It's still that comforting burn in his throat. Maybe his Jouala 61 00:05:31.329 --> 00:05:35.319 and tuggles his no Sheetsu puppy or crawled up snoring next to him under his 62 00:05:35.399 --> 00:05:41.079 Christmas tree. Near the bags of jelly beans he'd ordered from Santa and wrapped 63 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:44.639 with care to hand out at the children's home in Walla Walla this year. 64 00:05:45.920 --> 00:05:50.310 Mamie was a rescue from after a job. She'd been a good companion to 65 00:05:50.350 --> 00:05:57.110 him, and tackles was from the pound. Mr snuggles had cord his mother 66 00:05:57.310 --> 00:06:01.589 when the PUPS were a mere four weeks old. They slept soundly. This 67 00:06:01.829 --> 00:06:09.420 world was sick. He sighed once more and placed his gin on his palm. 68 00:06:10.980 --> 00:06:23.329 Someday maybe he'd find the courage to hunt down those damned farmers. Guess 69 00:06:23.370 --> 00:06:28.730 who's back, back again. No, not martial mothers, it's that mermaid 70 00:06:28.850 --> 00:06:34.240 broad. Did both of our listeners enjoy all those callbacks? As the saying 71 00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:40.319 goes, history doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes. That was from 72 00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:45.759 our favorite cult leader, Mark Twain. What's next? Does it matter? 73 00:06:46.680 --> 00:06:57.629 Nope. Once upon a time there was an orphan named Anya. She was 74 00:06:57.670 --> 00:07:01.339 a pleasant little girl, wide eyed and filled with dreams, and though her 75 00:07:01.459 --> 00:07:05.899 life was filled with horrible atrocities, she always had a long in her heart. 76 00:07:08.019 --> 00:07:11.699 She lived with her fellow abandoned siblings in an orphanage run by a horrible 77 00:07:11.699 --> 00:07:15.290 alcoholic spinster who used the children to do her bidding. From the moment they 78 00:07:15.329 --> 00:07:18.930 woke up to the exhausted moments they went to bed, they were verbally and 79 00:07:19.050 --> 00:07:24.689 physically abused by their caretaker. It was a wonder that child services had it 80 00:07:24.810 --> 00:07:29.569 ever been called to check in. That being said, no matter what the 81 00:07:29.649 --> 00:07:33.519 caretaker did, Anya knew that one day she would be adopted and have a 82 00:07:33.639 --> 00:07:39.279 wonderful life. She had plans to become a great actress on Broadway. She 83 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:43.839 was fantastic at performing different parts with her fellow orphans. When they played imagination 84 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:47.870 games, she was a great mimic to always impersonating their caretaker and those who 85 00:07:47.910 --> 00:07:51.709 came in and out of the orphanage. It was her great talent to be 86 00:07:51.910 --> 00:07:57.310 something she was not, and because of this talent she was able to impress 87 00:07:57.670 --> 00:08:03.660 many wanting parents. However, she was never adopted because, despite her joyous 88 00:08:03.660 --> 00:08:09.980 outlook on life, she was well odd. Her hair was bright red and 89 00:08:11.100 --> 00:08:16.089 spun tightly in curls. Her eyes were wide and almost hollow in a way, 90 00:08:16.569 --> 00:08:20.569 but always watching. She had freckles and a quite frankly, she looked 91 00:08:20.610 --> 00:08:26.089 Irish, which in those days was one way ticket to remaining an orphan forever. 92 00:08:26.850 --> 00:08:30.600 I mean who would adopt an Irish Child? They were a diame a 93 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:35.000 dozen back then. Also, the caretaker said that she was like ten or 94 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:37.320 something, but she looked a little older than that, and most people wanted 95 00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:41.389 babies or toddlers. To be honest, she was kind of screwed, looking 96 00:08:41.509 --> 00:08:46.549 old and Irish, with Bacon eyes and fucked up hair. Anyway, though 97 00:08:46.669 --> 00:08:50.389 she was kind of heart, she was never adopted until one faithful day a 98 00:08:52.029 --> 00:08:56.860 very serious woman came to the orphanage looking to rent a child for a week 99 00:08:58.019 --> 00:09:01.820 for a publicity stunt. It was a fucked up time for the woman's boss, 100 00:09:03.139 --> 00:09:07.139 a billionaire war profitter who was accused of some serious crimes by the federal 101 00:09:07.179 --> 00:09:13.009 government and was well being scrutinized by every person on earth as being a heartless 102 00:09:13.049 --> 00:09:16.529 and feckless man of a business. He was looking to improve his image by 103 00:09:16.570 --> 00:09:22.690 showing he was a quote unquote, family man. I mean seriously, if 104 00:09:22.769 --> 00:09:28.440 that were to happen today again, child services would have been called, but 105 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:33.000 that wasn't the case. Instead, the caretaker and a drunken stupor agreed to 106 00:09:33.080 --> 00:09:37.000 give up one of her charges for a serious amount of money and publicity. 107 00:09:37.669 --> 00:09:41.950 Her only stipulation was that they were to take on you, because, for 108 00:09:41.070 --> 00:09:45.870 the love of Christ, that kid would not stop singing and would never be 109 00:09:45.990 --> 00:09:50.509 adopted. Also, somewhere in there anya had found a dog that was really 110 00:09:50.629 --> 00:09:54.220 manging and smelled horribly. and well, if they took the kid and took 111 00:09:54.259 --> 00:09:58.779 the dog, the caretaker's life would be better off. So, after a 112 00:09:58.899 --> 00:10:01.419 tearful good bye, Anya Sung her way out of the orphanage and into the 113 00:10:01.460 --> 00:10:07.330 limousine that whisked her off to the billionaire's house. Now Anya was super impressed 114 00:10:07.370 --> 00:10:11.090 by the wealth and power of her new warden. Everything she ever wanted was 115 00:10:11.169 --> 00:10:16.210 handed to her. She was living the life and quickly forgot her friends at 116 00:10:16.289 --> 00:10:20.960 the orphanage. The billionaire paid very little attention to her and only cared to 117 00:10:22.039 --> 00:10:24.720 speak of her when the press came to do a story on little Anya. 118 00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:28.720 That press caused quite a stir, catching the attention of not only the care 119 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:33.000 taker of the orphanage, but also that of her scheming brother, who quickly 120 00:10:33.080 --> 00:10:37.590 hatched a plan to trick the billionaire out of money by claiming Anya was his 121 00:10:37.629 --> 00:10:39.429 daughter. But it was a lame thing to do and proved fruitless in the 122 00:10:39.470 --> 00:10:43.669 end. Anyhow, Anya grew to love the billionaire and the billionaire grew to 123 00:10:43.789 --> 00:10:48.789 tolerate Anya. I mean he was a single man living alone who rented a 124 00:10:48.830 --> 00:10:54.820 child for publicity. So many red flags, but he had money, so 125 00:10:54.980 --> 00:10:58.259 everyone loved the other way. One day towards the end of her stay, 126 00:10:58.299 --> 00:11:01.779 Anya got to meet the president of the United States. After a show and 127 00:11:01.899 --> 00:11:05.210 tell the billionaire had with the president, the president was so taken by Anya 128 00:11:05.610 --> 00:11:09.409 that he asked her to share her views on the world and the billionaire himself. 129 00:11:09.929 --> 00:11:13.970 I think the world is great, but there's so much suffering. They 130 00:11:15.009 --> 00:11:20.320 are so many without jobs and people are starving. Meanwhile the billionaires eating lobsters 131 00:11:20.440 --> 00:11:24.559 and taking bubble bass and going to the movies and stuff. I think that 132 00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:28.559 maybe the government should step in and give people hope, you know, create 133 00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:31.909 jobs and stuff that they can get back on their feet, maybe even create 134 00:11:31.950 --> 00:11:35.950 a system that pays them when work can't be found, only if they're actively 135 00:11:35.990 --> 00:11:41.230 looking for work, of course, and possibly universal health care. I mean 136 00:11:41.590 --> 00:11:45.429 make the rich people pay for that stuff and then give people a helping hand. 137 00:11:46.549 --> 00:11:50.700 The president loved this idea all, except for universal healthcare, because really, 138 00:11:50.899 --> 00:11:54.620 come up and quickly drew up plans to tax the rich. It was 139 00:11:54.659 --> 00:11:58.659 a great deal and helped many people get America back on its feet again. 140 00:11:58.899 --> 00:12:03.529 However, many Americans felt that this was almost like Communism, which brings us 141 00:12:03.570 --> 00:12:07.370 to the real story of Anya. See, Anya wasn't a little girl. 142 00:12:07.970 --> 00:12:11.730 In fact, she was a twenty nine year old woman from Russia who was 143 00:12:11.850 --> 00:12:16.559 sent to America and was given a new identity of that of an orphan who 144 00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:22.879 would infiltrate the American systems. Now, it was a total crap shoot that 145 00:12:22.919 --> 00:12:26.000 any would be the one to get so far. That's why all the orphans 146 00:12:26.039 --> 00:12:31.269 were actually spies for Russia, and they each waited for their turn. It 147 00:12:31.429 --> 00:12:35.509 was only by pure luck that Anya got to meet the billionaire, but it 148 00:12:35.590 --> 00:12:39.669 would have eventually happened. Those Russians were good at the spy game. That 149 00:12:39.830 --> 00:12:45.659 being said, Anya was able to introduce socialism to the American public, all 150 00:12:45.820 --> 00:12:48.620 in the guise of a little girl in a red dress, singing songs and 151 00:12:48.820 --> 00:12:54.179 making everyone happy. So what happened on you? Well, some guy made 152 00:12:54.179 --> 00:12:58.220 a ton of money by taking her freakish image and making her an adventurer in 153 00:12:58.259 --> 00:13:03.169 the daily comics a Broadway musical was made and now everybody knows the story under 154 00:13:03.210 --> 00:13:07.409 a different name, except they don't know the whole truth. What really happened 155 00:13:07.570 --> 00:13:13.080 to Anya? Well, she was actually killed by an American spy. One 156 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.480 night, Anya was taking a walk on the Brooklyn Bridge with her dog, 157 00:13:16.919 --> 00:13:22.080 that same Angie Munt, who was always by her side. When she suddenly 158 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:26.000 tripped, the dog circled around her, licking her face and getting her tangled 159 00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:28.669 in the leash. When Onya stood up, the leash was tied around her 160 00:13:28.789 --> 00:13:33.149 neck and try as she might to get out of the noose, she couldn't. 161 00:13:33.429 --> 00:13:37.149 She looked at her dog, her wide empty eyes, screaming as the 162 00:13:37.269 --> 00:13:41.820 dog jumped up and pushed her over the edge, causing the leash to catch 163 00:13:41.940 --> 00:13:46.940 hold of the railing and snap her neck as it drew a tot in the 164 00:13:46.019 --> 00:13:50.700 misty night air. The dog was never seen again, but many believe that 165 00:13:50.860 --> 00:13:54.659 he is the dog on the Albo cands. But you can't always believe everything 166 00:13:54.700 --> 00:14:01.730 you've heard, and besides, that is another story for tomorrow, because it's 167 00:14:01.850 --> 00:14:13.240 only the day away. Well done, makes your Tom Perhaps Chad's locking you 168 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:18.039 are hiring you was a good thing. I'm both horrified and eager to check 169 00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:22.799 in on how Chad's immersion therapy has been working. To ease him back into 170 00:14:22.840 --> 00:14:26.750 story telling, we have set him up in the den reading poetry. Sorry, 171 00:14:28.149 --> 00:14:31.190 this is down to folk. It's not always about child death and window 172 00:14:31.230 --> 00:14:48.620 goes. The following poem was written by Award Winning Author Penia collattal lover and 173 00:14:48.779 --> 00:15:01.610 plevophile Rupert Holmes trapped in a mine that had caved in, and everyone knows 174 00:15:01.450 --> 00:15:13.639 the only ones left where joe and me and Tim when they broke through to 175 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:22.389 pull us free. The only ones left to tell the tell where Joe and 176 00:15:22.669 --> 00:15:33.470 me, Timothy. We're on earth. Did you go, Timothy God? 177 00:15:33.269 --> 00:15:41.659 Why don't I know? Hungry as hell and no food to eat. And 178 00:15:41.860 --> 00:15:50.409 Joe said that he would sell his soul for just a piece of meat. 179 00:15:52.730 --> 00:15:58.929 Water enough to drink for two. And Joe said to me, I'll have 180 00:16:00.049 --> 00:16:10.159 a swig and then there's some for you, Timothy. Joe was looking at 181 00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:19.830 you, Timothy God. What did we do? I may have blacked out 182 00:16:21.950 --> 00:16:29.110 just around then, because the next thing I could see was the light of 183 00:16:29.309 --> 00:16:38.940 day again. My stomach was full as it could be, and nobody ever 184 00:16:40.299 --> 00:16:55.929 got around to finding Timothy. Thank you for listening to down to folk. 185 00:16:56.850 --> 00:17:02.720 This episode was mostly written and performed by aerial chat and Brigordan. You know, 186 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:08.000 the three stooges of podcasting. Distribution is still provided by the POD fix 187 00:17:08.119 --> 00:17:14.440 network. At pod fix networkcom. We are at d t f stories across 188 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:19.710 social media and our website is d t f storiescom. Support for this show 189 00:17:19.829 --> 00:17:26.029 comes from listeners like you. Visit DTF storiescom slash support for more information. 190 00:17:26.910 --> 00:17:33.539 Otherwise we may have to interrupt your humble stories of dismemberment with ads for ball 191 00:17:33.700 --> 00:17:38.660 shaving implements. You get it, do the right thing. On behalf of 192 00:17:38.740 --> 00:17:45.009 the Ministry of augmented something, something and a K. until next week, 193 00:17:45.369 --> 00:17:55.609 Warrington out you've been listening to a podcast of the pod fix network. Discover 194 00:17:55.769 --> 00:18:00.000 more audible gems like this at pod fix networkcom. Make sure to catch up 195 00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:03.400 to the minute networks and Aigan's by following at pod fix on twitter, official 196 00:18:03.400 --> 00:18:08.160 underscore pod fix on Instagram, at pod fix network on Facebook, and make 197 00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:12.549 sure to subscribe to pod fix presents wherever you choose to find podcasts. The 198 00:18:12.670 --> 00:18:15.990 pod fix network artist own the love