Sept. 1, 2021

Humble

Humble

After 6 months, 25 episodes and over 50 stories...you FINALLY get the one story you actually want…or do you.


After 6 months, 25 episodes and over 50 stories...you FINALLY get the one story you actually want…or do you. 

Find Us Online 

Join Our Discord!! 

Discord: https://discord.gg/zWnH4upJCm 

Support The Show! 

CreditsHost: 

Creators: 

Writer/Performer: 

Producer/Editor/Engineer: Dick CabezaIntern: Dana The Intern 

Distribution:The PodFix Network 

About UsWhat happens when you take three people,  put them inside a Secret Government Agency and give them access to the largest collection of folklore, fairytales, and legends that have (n)ever existed? 

Down To Folk is manufactured by M.A.S.S.K. The Ministry of Augmented Something Something, and a K. 

**Down to Folk is a work of comedy fiction.  The views and opinions related within should be taken as such, and are not the views and opinions of the creators, writers, or performers.  No children were harmed while creating this podcast, although, a few deaths have occurred, but that 'twas the Wendigo I reckon.**  

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Transcript
WEBVTT 1 00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:09.910 Well, well, well, welcome back to all of you, but mostly 2 00:00:10.029 --> 00:00:14.710 to me. We have reached a massive milestone in the form of episode twenty 3 00:00:14.789 --> 00:00:19.350 five. I am being told that this week we will be hearing the most 4 00:00:19.429 --> 00:00:24.500 shocking and highly anticipated story in the illustrious, albeit short, six month history 5 00:00:24.539 --> 00:00:28.579 of down to fork. As much as I would like to drag this out 6 00:00:28.699 --> 00:00:32.659 just to be a Dick, I will not. With that being said, 7 00:00:32.740 --> 00:00:37.729 down to folk is a work of fiction and contains adult themes. If you 8 00:00:37.850 --> 00:00:43.890 are listening with children, today's secret word is juvy. And now sit back 9 00:00:43.929 --> 00:00:48.729 and relax as we listen to the haunting and oddly arousing tones of aerial doing 10 00:00:48.850 --> 00:01:02.799 whatever it is that she does. Once upon a time, in a land 11 00:01:02.920 --> 00:01:07.469 far away, there lived a sweet and kindly old Miller, a widower with 12 00:01:07.629 --> 00:01:14.709 only one daughter, euphemia. He was poor but hard working and would tell 13 00:01:14.750 --> 00:01:19.260 you femia, as long as she worked without complaint and was always kind, 14 00:01:19.980 --> 00:01:25.980 some day their fortune would come. Euphemia loved her father dearly. Despite looking 15 00:01:26.019 --> 00:01:30.299 around at the other impoverished trait folk desperate to make ends meet and keep food 16 00:01:30.299 --> 00:01:34.969 on their tables. They all worked hard, she thought, and yet they 17 00:01:36.010 --> 00:01:41.329 didn't all find fortunes and live happily ever after. It simply wasn't possible. 18 00:01:42.370 --> 00:01:46.769 There were the halves and the have knots, and she was soundly among the 19 00:01:46.849 --> 00:01:52.920 half knots. She sighed, thinking to herself, well, that's what capitalism 20 00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:59.040 gets you. She was a card carrying socialist. Seriously, it was a 21 00:01:59.159 --> 00:02:02.709 thing way before Karl Marks. Marks just managed to put it into more accessible 22 00:02:02.790 --> 00:02:08.389 terms. It's not like an illiterate peasant in medieval Germany could circulate a manifesto. 23 00:02:08.949 --> 00:02:14.509 That's for posterous. The brending brass wouldn't even be invented until centuries after 24 00:02:14.590 --> 00:02:19.180 this story takes place. What was she supposed to sit around in handwrite things 25 00:02:19.300 --> 00:02:23.939 by the hundreds until her fingers blood and she was blind? And then what? 26 00:02:23.340 --> 00:02:28.620 Wander around from town totown hoping it got on? She would basically be 27 00:02:28.780 --> 00:02:32.009 the medieval equivalent of the Old Lady in Central Park pushing a shopping cart filled 28 00:02:32.009 --> 00:02:38.490 with cardboard boxes and screaming about well, socialism. Look, she didn't ask 29 00:02:38.530 --> 00:02:42.129 to be in her position. That Lady's just trying to get by. You 30 00:02:42.250 --> 00:02:46.680 know, those boxes might be her shelter at night. It's rough trying to 31 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:50.120 make it in New York City among the homeless, especially as a woman, 32 00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:55.360 and she suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. She'd been treated but didn't trust the men 33 00:02:55.520 --> 00:03:00.909 vacation and unfortunately, for so many among the homeless, they do suffer from 34 00:03:00.949 --> 00:03:07.389 untreated mental illness. Add that to the fact that they're deeply stigmatized. And 35 00:03:07.990 --> 00:03:12.750 well, and besides, euphemia needed to work gust to make that scroll of 36 00:03:13.740 --> 00:03:16.139 and so, day in and day out, she took the hair from her 37 00:03:16.180 --> 00:03:21.419 cats and wove it into thread to go to market. Her father, the 38 00:03:21.979 --> 00:03:27.139 Miller, was a skilled tradesman doing whatever it is Miller's do. I couldn't 39 00:03:27.139 --> 00:03:30.210 be are still look it up. Besides, this story isn't about him. 40 00:03:30.729 --> 00:03:35.530 Also, he was super boring. He was like the medieval equivalent of someone 41 00:03:35.569 --> 00:03:38.689 who doesn't even seem excited about his own hobbies, which I mean I don't 42 00:03:38.689 --> 00:03:44.840 blame them when it's shit, like being a lawnmowing diarist or collecting traffic cones. 43 00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:51.080 They're sweet, but come on, Dude. One day an odd little 44 00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:54.710 man approached Euphemia, which was off putting since she worked inside their house. 45 00:03:55.590 --> 00:04:00.629 It startled her, but she was a woman and was socialized to be non 46 00:04:00.710 --> 00:04:05.669 confrontational. So she greeted him politely, if nervously. He began his soliloquy. 47 00:04:08.270 --> 00:04:11.500 You know volume, F Amia. It can to escape your notice of 48 00:04:11.659 --> 00:04:15.500 for these last months, that I have fallen deeply in love with you. 49 00:04:16.139 --> 00:04:21.339 She stared at him blankly. You are more lovely than the brain is stars, 50 00:04:21.620 --> 00:04:26.889 more gentle than the most serene. Look and if I'm not doing farmer, 51 00:04:26.930 --> 00:04:32.050 and you're quite the spinner. She blushed. You really noticed my work, 52 00:04:33.449 --> 00:04:39.639 your work. Yes, I'm a spinner. I spend cat hair into 53 00:04:39.720 --> 00:04:48.399 thread. Yes, your work. That's definitely what I meant. So, 54 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:53.750 my dear girl, I have come to ask you, and in marriage we 55 00:04:53.910 --> 00:04:58.389 shall make the perfect bride and groom. You, Femi, a Gulp, 56 00:04:59.389 --> 00:05:03.670 married to this stalker troll of a man. But she didn't want to be 57 00:05:03.709 --> 00:05:10.740 rude. You were so sweet. She began, but I just well, 58 00:05:10.779 --> 00:05:17.259 I can't marry you. Sow I is here. It's not that I mean 59 00:05:17.300 --> 00:05:23.649 I am, but that's not listen, you're great. I'm just kind of 60 00:05:24.730 --> 00:05:30.730 I've started meditating and using essential oils. I'm taking magnesium. I'm just taking 61 00:05:30.850 --> 00:05:34.370 some me time. I'm trying to find myself right now. You know, 62 00:05:36.240 --> 00:05:42.519 is that now she was frustrated. He just didn't seem to get it. 63 00:05:43.879 --> 00:05:49.310 Look, it's not you, it's me. To you, I just Oh, 64 00:05:49.430 --> 00:05:54.470 fuck politeness. I can't see my self marrying a little Grimlin of a 65 00:05:54.509 --> 00:06:00.550 man like you. He was enraged that so. Well, I'm a magic, 66 00:06:00.670 --> 00:06:05.899 a little grandlin of a man. How do you feel now? Pretty 67 00:06:05.939 --> 00:06:12.899 much the same. Yeah, okay, fine. What if I help you 68 00:06:13.100 --> 00:06:17.220 find yourself? I Assis staying on finding your fortune. How would you do 69 00:06:17.379 --> 00:06:25.689 that? I will teat you to spin straw and too cold. But we're 70 00:06:25.730 --> 00:06:30.449 not farmers. I have no Straw. It would be weird if we just 71 00:06:30.569 --> 00:06:35.360 had straw laying around in another's shop. Provided Miller's don't use Straw. I 72 00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:42.600 really don't know what they do. Yeah, I've always wondered that. Okay, 73 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:46.079 so what if I get you a cow first? Wouldn't the cow just 74 00:06:46.189 --> 00:06:51.910 eat the straw? Good Point. Okay, okay, let me think. 75 00:06:54.189 --> 00:06:59.709 Okay, what if I just bring you Straw? Does that work? Sure, 76 00:06:59.829 --> 00:07:05.379 I guess. Gold see it a bit. She had been so uncomfortable 77 00:07:05.420 --> 00:07:11.540 in his presence she was relieved when he left. She had really needed to 78 00:07:11.579 --> 00:07:15.089 take a shit. So here returned with but loads of Straw. And taught 79 00:07:15.089 --> 00:07:19.449 her how to use her spinning wheel to create the finest gold thread. The 80 00:07:19.529 --> 00:07:24.449 cats were really leaved. Maybe some of their bald spots would start growing back 81 00:07:24.529 --> 00:07:31.800 in. I'm very grateful. Thank you so very much. All magic comes 82 00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:36.920 to the wise. He was so creepy. And what is the price for 83 00:07:38.040 --> 00:07:44.160 this kindness? You keep me here? Firstborn Child, Dad, that dad, 84 00:07:46.589 --> 00:07:49.750 why do you want? Never Mind, cool, cool, firstborn whatever. 85 00:07:50.750 --> 00:07:55.509 And in a flash the little man was gone. The gold thread did 86 00:07:55.709 --> 00:08:00.819 indeed make her very rich. People marveled at the young woman so skilled at 87 00:08:00.860 --> 00:08:05.980 the spinning wheel, and it didn't escape the notice of the Prince. One 88 00:08:05.019 --> 00:08:09.019 day he approached her, which again soups weird, because she still did her 89 00:08:09.019 --> 00:08:16.410 spinning inside their home beautifully. FEMIA, it can to escaped your notice that 90 00:08:16.569 --> 00:08:20.129 these past months I have fallen deeply in love with you. Okay, it 91 00:08:20.250 --> 00:08:26.290 was strange, but, like he was hot and a prince. So she 92 00:08:26.449 --> 00:08:30.560 gestured for him to continue, and in a matter of days she'd accepted his 93 00:08:30.680 --> 00:08:35.759 proposal of marriage and they were wed. When the average lifespan is so short, 94 00:08:35.480 --> 00:08:39.159 things move pretty quick, I guess. So they made a very happy 95 00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:45.750 couple. She learned the other meaning for the word spinner and very soon was 96 00:08:45.830 --> 00:08:50.750 with child. The kingdom was overjoyed, and so was the glowing mother to 97 00:08:50.830 --> 00:08:56.019 be. But on the night her child was born, thunderstorms rocked the palace 98 00:08:56.580 --> 00:09:00.980 and within her bedchamber, as she held the infant, the nasty little creep 99 00:09:01.019 --> 00:09:05.500 showed up out of nowhere. It's kind of my brandon this story. Give 100 00:09:05.620 --> 00:09:11.809 me the child, you FAMIA, a deal, a deal. She clutched 101 00:09:11.889 --> 00:09:18.169 the baby tighter and pleaded with him for mercy and maybe because he loved her, 102 00:09:18.929 --> 00:09:24.080 his heart was softened, but not completely. He offered her wager. 103 00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:31.120 All right, you have three days to guess my name and if you could 104 00:09:31.200 --> 00:09:37.559 guess correctly, you may gave the child. The young mother wept with happiness. 105 00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:41.470 She immediately set out coming up with a list of all the names she 106 00:09:41.509 --> 00:09:46.190 could think of. When he returned the following night, she recited her list. 107 00:09:48.350 --> 00:09:54.740 Kenneth, Herman, frank, domain, now, now, now, 108 00:09:56.019 --> 00:10:01.059 now, not even quels. I'll be back to tomorrow night. Sleep well, 109 00:10:01.379 --> 00:10:07.929 princess, he sneered viciously. The next day she pulled everyone in the 110 00:10:09.049 --> 00:10:13.090 castle for all the names they could think of. When he returned the following 111 00:10:13.129 --> 00:10:20.049 night, she once again recited from the list. Murphy, Grayson, Chad 112 00:10:20.679 --> 00:10:26.759 for Jordan. Now, now, now, and what the actual fun? 113 00:10:26.759 --> 00:10:33.720 Not even clothes. Seriously, that last ones. I'll be back tomorrow. 114 00:10:33.759 --> 00:10:41.870 Night the sleep, while he gibed with a sinister wink. The final night 115 00:10:41.990 --> 00:10:46.990 when the man appeared under the covers next to her. I cannot possibly express 116 00:10:46.269 --> 00:10:52.539 how limited boundaries were for men in this time. grosses me out. Anyway, 117 00:10:52.580 --> 00:10:58.940 when he appeared, she looked at him sorrowfully. Well, little freak, 118 00:10:58.500 --> 00:11:01.940 it appears you of one. I have no more names to offer you 119 00:11:03.610 --> 00:11:11.649 way, but hold on none. She shook her head. Having a new 120 00:11:11.730 --> 00:11:18.210 baby is really exhausting, but I tried my best, I really did, 121 00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:22.639 but I couldn't focus, and recalling a list from memories about as hard as 122 00:11:22.679 --> 00:11:28.360 you think. I'm illiterate, you know. Anyway, the child is yours 123 00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:33.669 and he badly needs to be changed. If I have to wipe another human's 124 00:11:33.789 --> 00:11:39.710 God damn ass ever again, I swear to got. But what if I 125 00:11:39.830 --> 00:11:48.820 gave you another day? No, it's fine, the child my name is 126 00:11:50.659 --> 00:11:56.820 still dead. Oh yeah, that's a weird name. Yes, it is. 127 00:11:56.019 --> 00:12:03.690 I had a pretty tell my mother, as a result, keep the 128 00:12:03.809 --> 00:12:09.929 baby. I didn't guess it and no, I can't. So if you 129 00:12:11.009 --> 00:12:13.929 didn't really want the baby, you kind of fucked yourself on that one. 130 00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:20.679 But I would git need some sleep, so take him and go. You 131 00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:26.639 can have the diaper. Back to what am I supposed to do with a 132 00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:33.110 fucking kid? Sounds like you problem. Now I'm going to bed. Goodbye, 133 00:12:33.149 --> 00:12:39.269 rumble still skin. The little man was baffled and kind of in shock. 134 00:12:39.309 --> 00:12:43.379 Seriously, what was he supposed to do with a fucking kid? But 135 00:12:43.539 --> 00:12:56.659 that, my friends, is a story for another time. Okay, that 136 00:12:56.860 --> 00:13:01.370 obviously was not the story that we all came here for this week, unless 137 00:13:01.409 --> 00:13:05.970 you came here to listen to ariels over modulated voice acting chops. In that 138 00:13:07.169 --> 00:13:11.690 case, you do, you boo. I doubt that pre Jordan was tasked 139 00:13:11.769 --> 00:13:16.080 with carrying everyone's load this week, but maybe he was. This is a 140 00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:20.919 judgment free zone. Nevertheless, we are contractually obligated to checking with him down 141 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:24.480 by the camp fire, but at least it's tolerable now that he's out of 142 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:35.950 that tin can. How to knew what he must do by order of the 143 00:13:35.990 --> 00:13:39.789 Queen. The girl must be stopped, or all of the land would be 144 00:13:39.830 --> 00:13:45.100 tormented by her presence. The only way to stop the girl's madness was to 145 00:13:45.179 --> 00:13:50.299 entertain it, and that was exactly what hatter was to do. Howter could 146 00:13:50.340 --> 00:13:54.419 not let the hair know of his plan. Hair was a drunkard and would 147 00:13:54.419 --> 00:13:58.929 easily spell the tea if he knew that there was tea to spell. Mouse 148 00:13:58.169 --> 00:14:03.330 was a nervous little gritter and if he too knew of the plan, the 149 00:14:03.450 --> 00:14:07.250 cat would be let out of the bag. So Hatter kept the scheme to 150 00:14:07.330 --> 00:14:11.559 himself. The table was set in its usual way. Cakes and sandwiches, 151 00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:16.720 tea cups and saucers, teapots filled to the brim with various teas were perfectly 152 00:14:16.840 --> 00:14:22.720 set upon a table in a manner that was both chaotic and elegant. The 153 00:14:22.840 --> 00:14:26.470 Pink Flower Teapot sat upon the table nearest to where he would sit. He 154 00:14:26.549 --> 00:14:31.669 must keep an eye on this pot and only offer it to the little girl. 155 00:14:31.470 --> 00:14:37.029 He would then pour her a cup and wait for her demise. The 156 00:14:37.149 --> 00:14:41.980 hair arrived early, as was his nature, and proceeded to pour himself a 157 00:14:41.019 --> 00:14:46.299 cup of w ski with a spot of tea. What a lovely day for 158 00:14:46.460 --> 00:14:50.700 a tea party, he slurred with his usual lisp. I was so surprised 159 00:14:50.740 --> 00:14:56.330 to him invite? Well, I'm going on the room and that mop. 160 00:14:56.889 --> 00:15:01.090 I'm not one to turn down an invite from you, my friend. He 161 00:15:01.210 --> 00:15:05.490 drank his tea quickly and began to pour another cup. Else have you invited? 162 00:15:07.279 --> 00:15:11.519 Hair's eyes softened and glazed over, already drunk. Mouse should be here 163 00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:16.399 soon. And of course, we have a special guest. had her smile 164 00:15:16.519 --> 00:15:22.750 that hair hand upond the pink flowered teapot. You are going to love them. 165 00:15:22.950 --> 00:15:28.710 A special guest. A squeaky voice from beneath the table whimpered. I'm 166 00:15:28.789 --> 00:15:33.429 not so sure we should be celebrating anything, especially with all that is going 167 00:15:33.669 --> 00:15:37.460 on. Mouse climbed the tablecloth and sat on a saucer. He removed a 168 00:15:37.500 --> 00:15:41.019 little tea cup from his vest pocket and held it out for a drop of 169 00:15:41.220 --> 00:15:45.899 tea. How to, obliged to dropped a drop of tea into the wee 170 00:15:45.980 --> 00:15:50.370 cup. Mouse sipped and smiled, Cam and mill, my favorite, and 171 00:15:50.610 --> 00:15:56.610 with that he took a crumb of cake and quickly nibbled. Nothing to worry 172 00:15:56.649 --> 00:16:00.490 about, my dear friend. The special guest will delight us all. How 173 00:16:00.570 --> 00:16:03.600 her smile, the smile resembling the Cheshire Cat who told him earlier about the 174 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:08.240 little girl who had arrived in their land again. I'm not so sure we 175 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:14.759 should be having a tea party at a time such as this, mouse chirped 176 00:16:14.759 --> 00:16:18.830 upon asking for more tea. I could think of nothing better but to have 177 00:16:19.029 --> 00:16:22.710 a tea party at a time such as this, hotter said, as he 178 00:16:22.830 --> 00:16:29.029 poured another cup. And who might this get? The beak hair looked up 179 00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:33.220 from his empty cup while reaching for his flask. Oh, if I told 180 00:16:33.220 --> 00:16:37.419 you it wouldn't be special. had her filled the remainder of hair's cup with 181 00:16:37.539 --> 00:16:44.379 a strong earl gray. What are we thou? A rating hair slurred with 182 00:16:44.620 --> 00:16:52.210 vague interest birthdays, hadder turtled the fact that it isn't either of our birthdays 183 00:16:52.330 --> 00:16:56.330 and therefore we are not getting older and we are not nearer to death. 184 00:16:56.970 --> 00:17:02.440 His eyes narrowed on the pink flowered teapop. Well, a very men were 185 00:17:02.559 --> 00:17:07.400 day you. Hair raised his tea cups, washing the team whiskey upon the 186 00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:12.079 white tablecloth. The three sat drinking tea and eating sandwiches, all while discussing 187 00:17:12.119 --> 00:17:18.509 the gossip of the day. I hear that she has the ability to grow 188 00:17:18.710 --> 00:17:26.470 big and small, mouth squilled in terror. I hear that she is confused 189 00:17:26.710 --> 00:17:32.940 and very rude. Hair spoke wide eyed while eating some cake. I hear 190 00:17:33.019 --> 00:17:37.059 the queen once heard dead how to set abruptly, and the conversation came to 191 00:17:37.140 --> 00:17:41.700 a standstill. And then they all burst it into laughter. The Queen ones 192 00:17:41.740 --> 00:17:45.569 everyone dead. She's such a hothead. They all giggled, but the laughter 193 00:17:45.609 --> 00:17:51.089 stopped immediately thereafter, as a little girl in a blue dress appeared from out 194 00:17:51.170 --> 00:17:56.369 of the forest. Hatter's eyes focused keenly upon her appearance. Mouse jumped in 195 00:17:56.529 --> 00:18:03.559 a near empty teapot and hair let out a small belch. Hello, the 196 00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:08.000 girl said in a sweet and curious voice. My name is Ali. Well, 197 00:18:08.599 --> 00:18:15.230 welcome and come and sit. We've been expecting you had he interrupted, 198 00:18:15.430 --> 00:18:19.470 pulling out the chair nearest to him, beckoning her to sit. How are 199 00:18:19.549 --> 00:18:25.710 you expecting me, she asked, slowly, approaching the table. We always 200 00:18:25.750 --> 00:18:29.539 have room for one more guest. Would you like some tea? How to 201 00:18:29.579 --> 00:18:33.700 raise the PINK FLOWER TEAPOT? As a little girl sat, her eyes were 202 00:18:33.819 --> 00:18:37.819 wide as she took in the scene a hair, a hatter and a mouse 203 00:18:37.059 --> 00:18:41.369 having a tea party in the middle of the woods. I've had quite an 204 00:18:41.410 --> 00:18:48.170 adventure and some tea would do me some good, she sighed. With this, 205 00:18:48.490 --> 00:18:52.769 hatter began to tip the POT, only to have hair shout SWI, 206 00:18:53.130 --> 00:18:57.240 causing hatter to spill a little tea on the table. The tea burned a 207 00:18:57.359 --> 00:19:02.319 hole in the tablecloth, but hatter quickly moved a Tea Cup to cover the 208 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:07.920 hole, which shouted mouse, and he began to scamper to an another table 209 00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:14.029 setting, and thus so did hatter and little girl, and the hair had 210 00:19:14.069 --> 00:19:18.710 her kept a firm grip on the pink flower teapot. As they all readjusted, 211 00:19:18.789 --> 00:19:23.069 they all sat rather quietly for a second, each in a newer place 212 00:19:23.190 --> 00:19:27.420 than before. Hair and a drunken manner, had not connected the little girl 213 00:19:27.539 --> 00:19:32.940 for who she was. Mouse, however, had recognized her and was nervously 214 00:19:32.980 --> 00:19:37.819 drinking from a cup that hair had left behind, to which mouse too became 215 00:19:37.900 --> 00:19:42.849 quickly inebriated. And once mouse was drunk, he no longer cared. Had 216 00:19:42.890 --> 00:19:47.730 Her again reach to pour the little girl a cup of tea. Is this 217 00:19:48.170 --> 00:19:53.240 food special, she asked, eyeing the cakes and sandwiches. Of course it's 218 00:19:53.319 --> 00:19:59.640 special. It is special for you, had her smiled, tipping the teapot. 219 00:19:59.720 --> 00:20:04.240 I mean, it will not make me shrink or grow. She Moved 220 00:20:04.279 --> 00:20:07.990 Her Cup as she spoke. The tea from the pot tripped upon the ground, 221 00:20:08.150 --> 00:20:11.670 causing the grass to turn black and withered. I mean, all the 222 00:20:11.750 --> 00:20:15.910 food will make you grow. It's the nature of being alive. Had he 223 00:20:15.950 --> 00:20:19.950 rolled his eyes as he tried to pour again? I guess you are right. 224 00:20:21.539 --> 00:20:25.740 She conceded and reached for a sandwich and quickly began to devour it upon 225 00:20:25.900 --> 00:20:29.619 tasting. In fact, she did prove to be quite rude, as she 226 00:20:29.740 --> 00:20:33.140 began to grab all the cakes and cookies and shove them into her mouth. 227 00:20:33.180 --> 00:20:40.170 A Little Day moves in so much and I'm so hungry. She sprayed cake 228 00:20:40.210 --> 00:20:44.289 as she spoke. How about a cup of tea to wash it all down? 229 00:20:44.809 --> 00:20:49.359 Had Her again reached for the Cup switch? Hare shouted again and again, 230 00:20:49.519 --> 00:20:53.960 they all stood and switched seats. Why this is so much fun? 231 00:20:55.000 --> 00:20:57.759 I've never had such a wild tea party, but all this moving is making 232 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:02.279 me dizzy. The little girl laughed as she sat down at the head of 233 00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:07.509 the table. Then you must have some tea to calm your nerves. This 234 00:21:07.710 --> 00:21:11.829 time hatter had the chance to pour the deadly brew into her cup. Oh, 235 00:21:11.950 --> 00:21:15.190 I would love to have some water. The little girl's eyes looked upon 236 00:21:15.309 --> 00:21:21.059 the hatter. Well, that is what tea is, water with some herbs. 237 00:21:21.819 --> 00:21:25.859 DRINK UP, girl, drink up. Hatter nudge the tea cup toward 238 00:21:25.940 --> 00:21:29.539 her. But at the same time hatter had pushed the cup forward, Hare 239 00:21:29.619 --> 00:21:33.529 had gotten up and poured a cup for the little girl as well. Now 240 00:21:33.049 --> 00:21:37.569 two cups of tea sat before her and, as luck would have it, 241 00:21:37.089 --> 00:21:44.170 the tea cups matched. Shit, hatter thought to himself. The little girl 242 00:21:44.329 --> 00:21:48.319 stared at the two cups of tea. This is too much tea. She 243 00:21:48.400 --> 00:21:53.880 laughed. There's never too much tea. Drank them off. Hare slurred and 244 00:21:53.960 --> 00:21:59.200 slumped into his chair. Mouse stood upon a cake stand and began to sing. 245 00:21:59.640 --> 00:22:03.390 It was a silly song about stars and bats. When he was done, 246 00:22:03.869 --> 00:22:07.630 he slid into the teapot and quickly fell asleep. Now only the hatter 247 00:22:07.869 --> 00:22:12.670 and the little girl were her awake. The table fell silent besides the snoring 248 00:22:12.710 --> 00:22:18.259 of the hair and mouse, as they stared at each other in awkward stillness. 249 00:22:19.019 --> 00:22:23.940 I cannot drink two cups. Please have one. The little girl nervously 250 00:22:25.099 --> 00:22:29.220 moved one of her tea cups before the adder. The hatter's eyes grew as 251 00:22:29.299 --> 00:22:33.650 the cup was placed before him, he knew not which cup she had given 252 00:22:33.730 --> 00:22:37.970 him, the one with tea or the one with poison. I have had 253 00:22:38.130 --> 00:22:42.529 my fair share of tea today. Please drink yours and maybe when you have 254 00:22:42.650 --> 00:22:47.160 finished, I will be ready for some more. Hat he pushed the Tea 255 00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:51.839 Cup away. The little girl hesitated. Had Her begun to think that she 256 00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:56.559 might know exactly what was going on, but how could she, a simple 257 00:22:56.599 --> 00:23:00.390 little girl such as this? But, to his relief, she picked up 258 00:23:00.390 --> 00:23:03.750 the cup and began to SIP. His eyes widen as she took the SIP. 259 00:23:04.549 --> 00:23:10.829 It would only take one sip and then she would be dead. Just 260 00:23:11.829 --> 00:23:17.099 one SIP. As the tea passed through her lips, the hatter ex held 261 00:23:17.180 --> 00:23:21.500 the breath that he had been holding. Her face turned red as she quickly 262 00:23:21.619 --> 00:23:25.700 spit the tea out. That is horrible. What type of tea is that? 263 00:23:26.299 --> 00:23:30.250 She exclaimed in disgust. She took another sip and then placed the tea 264 00:23:30.329 --> 00:23:36.250 cup down. Nope, not better on the second SIP. It tastes off 265 00:23:36.650 --> 00:23:41.839 like there's something in it. And then her eyes became sleepy and glazed over. 266 00:23:41.440 --> 00:23:48.160 I am suddenly very, very tired. She yawned. And closed her 267 00:23:48.200 --> 00:23:52.640 eyes. She then crossed her arms on the table and rested her head. 268 00:23:53.519 --> 00:24:00.549 Hatter smiled. The tincture had worked. The little girl was dead, and 269 00:24:00.750 --> 00:24:03.910 with that he picked up his tea cup and took a big SIP. He 270 00:24:04.069 --> 00:24:08.349 placed the cup down and noticed that the little girl had spilt her tea when 271 00:24:08.430 --> 00:24:12.940 she laid her head down. He also noticed that there was no hole in 272 00:24:12.980 --> 00:24:18.140 the table cloth from which the tea had been spilt on he looked at the 273 00:24:18.259 --> 00:24:22.660 hair and realized the cup he poured must have been laced with alcohol and not 274 00:24:25.089 --> 00:24:29.809 the hatter's world began to grow fuzzy and dark as the taste of blood from 275 00:24:29.849 --> 00:24:34.490 his rotting poisoned inside sprayed in a choking cough against the beautifully set tea table 276 00:24:34.650 --> 00:24:48.599 before him. And there you have it. Two stories down, two crushed 277 00:24:48.680 --> 00:24:52.470 hopes for the epic story we were all promised, which leaves us with the 278 00:24:52.589 --> 00:24:56.910 one and only chant brook whatever. And, based on the run we are 279 00:24:56.950 --> 00:25:00.910 on with him, I assume we'll get him reading slayh lyrics and passing them 280 00:25:00.990 --> 00:25:07.339 off as high class poetry. Okay, shot, the wolds are all listening. 281 00:25:07.700 --> 00:25:19.299 Give the people what they came for in the late s. A young, 282 00:25:19.579 --> 00:25:27.930 Rich Englishman visiting an archeological site in Egypt purchased the coffin and mummy of 283 00:25:29.130 --> 00:25:33.130 Princes Amen Ra. He arranged for it to be shipped back to his home, 284 00:25:33.609 --> 00:25:41.119 but never arrived to receive it. He disappeared, never to be found. 285 00:25:44.359 --> 00:25:48.279 One of his companions from his trip later died, another lost his entire 286 00:25:48.440 --> 00:25:56.670 fortune in Las Vegas and a third met his untimely end. David Carradine style, 287 00:26:00.470 --> 00:26:07.819 the sarcophacist reached England and was purchased by a businessman. Three members of 288 00:26:07.980 --> 00:26:12.660 his family died in a car accident. Did they have cars in the s? 289 00:26:12.700 --> 00:26:18.450 Sure they did, and then his house caught fire. Convinced that the 290 00:26:18.490 --> 00:26:23.289 mummy was cursed, the man donated it to the British Museum, like you 291 00:26:23.410 --> 00:26:30.529 do. The staff of the Museum reported hearing loud banging and crying coming from 292 00:26:30.529 --> 00:26:37.680 the sarcophagus late at night. Things started to be thrown around the exhibit room 293 00:26:37.160 --> 00:26:48.470 without explanation and finally a night watchman died. A local photographer took a photo 294 00:26:48.509 --> 00:26:53.309 of the coffin and when he developed it, the image that appeared was so 295 00:26:53.910 --> 00:27:03.059 horrifying that the photographer took his own life. The museum wanted to get rid 296 00:27:03.140 --> 00:27:08.019 of this unlucky piece of their collection, but with its growing reputation, they 297 00:27:08.099 --> 00:27:12.619 couldn't give it away. In March of one thousand nine hundred and twelve, 298 00:27:14.099 --> 00:27:19.450 it was purchased by the arrogant piece of shit air to a Pittsburgh Steel Fortune 299 00:27:19.690 --> 00:27:26.450 by the name of Calvin Hockley. Calvin and his fiance, Rosslyn, were 300 00:27:26.569 --> 00:27:33.799 set to return to America the following month, and the sarcophagus and its contents 301 00:27:33.279 --> 00:27:41.839 would be joining them on the journey home, and the rest is well history. 302 00:27:41.920 --> 00:27:48.470 As for what happened to Calvin, we don't really know. Some say 303 00:27:48.630 --> 00:27:56.710 made it to America, others believe he didn't. His fiance did, sir, 304 00:27:56.990 --> 00:28:04.019 live floating to safety on a piece of wood paneling obviously large enough for 305 00:28:04.180 --> 00:28:15.569 two and one day. Many, many years later, Rosslyn received a letter 306 00:28:15.650 --> 00:28:26.410 that haunted her until her last moments, and it read. My Dearest Rosalin, 307 00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:32.160 we are no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so 308 00:28:32.440 --> 00:28:37.359 do I. A full commitments what I'm looking for, and you wouldn't get 309 00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:45.869 this from any other guy. We've known each other for so long my heart's 310 00:28:45.990 --> 00:28:53.109 been aching, but you're too shy to say it inside. We both know 311 00:28:53.470 --> 00:28:59.539 what's going on. We know the game and we're going to play it. 312 00:29:00.460 --> 00:29:07.019 And if you ask me how I'm feeling, don't tell me you are too 313 00:29:07.380 --> 00:29:15.569 blind to see. I just want to tell you how I'm feeling. I'm 314 00:29:15.690 --> 00:29:23.920 going to make you understand I am never going to give you up, I 315 00:29:25.880 --> 00:29:36.440 am Never gonna let you down, I am never gonna run around and desert 316 00:29:36.599 --> 00:29:47.069 you, I am never going to make you cry and I am Never gonna 317 00:29:47.190 --> 00:30:14.650 say good bye eternally. Yours, Col are you fucking serious? Six months, 318 00:30:14.970 --> 00:30:19.210 twenty five episodes over fifty stories and you just reckroll as you piece of 319 00:30:19.289 --> 00:30:25.119 Shit. I am just trying to help. Why won't any of you take 320 00:30:25.240 --> 00:30:29.799 this serious? So I guess we just wrap this up in nor wait to 321 00:30:29.880 --> 00:30:33.759 die. If any one out there would like to join me, my email 322 00:30:33.799 --> 00:30:38.069 addresses stories a d ty f stories dot com. I am serious about this. 323 00:30:40.230 --> 00:30:44.990 Email me, because obviously these cock wobblers aren't taking this shit serious. 324 00:30:45.109 --> 00:30:49.819 I guess that's it, then. I hope you will enjoy the complete annihilation 325 00:30:49.940 --> 00:30:55.660 of everything you know or think you know. This has been down to folk 326 00:30:56.019 --> 00:31:02.660 holy trinity of Blois. DTF Stories Yada, Yada, DTF storiescom send us 327 00:31:02.740 --> 00:31:07.130 your money. You've been listening weight by you fucking playing the pot fix outtro 328 00:31:07.250 --> 00:31:11.329 of the my fucking rapod fix network. Doc. Fine, enjoy the end 329 00:31:11.410 --> 00:31:15.369 time and Warrington. Now following at pod fix on twitter, official UNDERFLOOR pod 330 00:31:15.410 --> 00:31:19.559 fix on Instagram, at pod fix network on Facebook, and make sure to 331 00:31:19.640 --> 00:31:25.359 subscribe to pod fix presents wherever you choose to find podcasts. The pod fix 332 00:31:25.400 --> 00:31:40.829 network artist owned in love. Many centuries ago, a great battle raged. 333 00:31:41.269 --> 00:31:51.500 It pitted the elusive when it goes against the residents of the small township of 334 00:31:51.660 --> 00:32:00.339 humility. humilities population was ninety nine point four. Four percent farmers and the 335 00:32:00.460 --> 00:32:08.730 rest were prostitutes. The humble farmers not only outnumbered but outlasted the prostitutes. 336 00:32:09.369 --> 00:32:14.650 Obviously, who's ever heard of a humble prostitute? After the war had ended, 337 00:32:15.170 --> 00:32:21.519 the humble farmers returned to their humble lives on their humble farms with their 338 00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:29.599 humble families. Those that had moved to other regions will call them formerly humble 339 00:32:29.680 --> 00:32:35.269 farmers. They moved on to new and exciting careers. I don't know what 340 00:32:35.430 --> 00:32:38.430 those are, because that's not what the story is about. Now. Those 341 00:32:38.509 --> 00:32:44.700 that lived on the outskirts of humility, the slightly humble farmers were. Why 342 00:32:44.740 --> 00:32:46.900 am I getting into this? You want the realty, right, that's why 343 00:32:46.940 --> 00:32:52.259 you came here after all these months. So one day, a young, 344 00:32:52.299 --> 00:32:59.450 humble farmer by the name of a Richard was plowing his field when he struck 345 00:32:59.609 --> 00:33:04.809 something with his plow. He grabbed a shovel and dug. A few hours 346 00:33:04.890 --> 00:33:10.130 later he had unearthed a golden chest. Ornate designs covered it in lays of 347 00:33:10.210 --> 00:33:17.079 Ruby and of emeralds. He was about to open this mysterious discovery when a 348 00:33:17.240 --> 00:33:25.279 woman approached him. Hello, Richard, you are the Chosen One. Why 349 00:33:25.400 --> 00:33:31.470 me? I am but a humble farmer. Are you an angel? If 350 00:33:31.549 --> 00:33:37.829 you choose to address me as such, then yes, I am all you 351 00:33:37.990 --> 00:33:45.259 wish for me to be. I am fire and I am water, I 352 00:33:45.380 --> 00:33:52.500 am wind and I am the earth and of the Earth. I am seasons, 353 00:33:52.539 --> 00:33:57.690 past and future times, but above all, I am right now. 354 00:33:59.049 --> 00:34:04.410 Okay, I'm I'm not good with riddles and I don't have any cash. 355 00:34:04.609 --> 00:34:07.690 So if you're selling something, you need to keep moving. I got to 356 00:34:07.769 --> 00:34:10.840 get this box out of the way so I can finish plowing my land. 357 00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:17.840 She looked at him puzzled. Never in all of her years had she met 358 00:34:19.159 --> 00:34:24.949 such a stepborn, or perhaps just clueless man. The humble farmer grumbled about 359 00:34:24.989 --> 00:34:31.789 frauds and MLM's, and she snapped her fingers. The Sky went black. 360 00:34:32.630 --> 00:34:39.780 The farmer was shocked. The field was plowed. The afternoon Sun was gone. 361 00:34:42.179 --> 00:34:47.900 The crickets sang their songs. Well, technically they're not singing, they're 362 00:34:47.900 --> 00:34:52.179 rubbing their legs together trying to get laid. But what do I know? 363 00:34:52.260 --> 00:34:57.650 I'm not a damn bug doctor. Come with me, Richard, I will 364 00:34:57.650 --> 00:35:05.210 show you your true calling, the blessings that the goddesses and gods have given 365 00:35:05.369 --> 00:35:10.960 to you. And with that, in a bright flash of light, everything 366 00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:19.880 was gone. He stood now in a large room. The woman seemed to 367 00:35:20.039 --> 00:35:25.230 float a few inches above the floor. Between them was this mysterious crate. 368 00:35:27.469 --> 00:35:31.230 As the woman spoke, she moved her hands through the air like a conductor. 369 00:35:31.710 --> 00:35:38.059 Images appeared out of nothing as she spoke, like this was some serious 370 00:35:38.099 --> 00:35:43.460 Tony Stark Shit, but it was like the seventeen hundreds or some shit. 371 00:35:43.500 --> 00:35:51.809 Anyway, again not important for Millennia. They have shunned my kind, placed 372 00:35:51.849 --> 00:35:57.969 us in the shadows, allowing US only to visit the simplest of simpletons, 373 00:35:59.010 --> 00:36:07.519 forever suppressed in our purpose. Generations have told tales of a champion that would 374 00:36:07.519 --> 00:36:16.039 come forward to join us and fight for us. But enchantress with your mighty 375 00:36:16.239 --> 00:36:22.469 powers, why must you find a champion? Are you listening? Banished to 376 00:36:22.510 --> 00:36:27.789 the shadows, suppressed in purpose? Seriously, if we're lucky, the most 377 00:36:27.789 --> 00:36:31.630 attention we get is from snot nosed little shits whose parents tell stories of us 378 00:36:31.710 --> 00:36:37.340 in some form of moral gas lighting, and occasionally we pop up on cue 379 00:36:37.420 --> 00:36:42.900 and on message boards. But May I continue? The legend states that the 380 00:36:43.019 --> 00:36:49.769 gods and goddesses would choose a champion of great humility, and since you found 381 00:36:49.809 --> 00:36:54.329 the gift of the other worlds and you are of the purest of the humble 382 00:36:54.369 --> 00:36:59.530 blood line, I guess you win. Can't say I agreed, but you'll 383 00:36:59.570 --> 00:37:02.480 do. The gods and goddesses are big on details, so we'll just go 384 00:37:02.679 --> 00:37:08.599 with it. Inside this box are the tools that will take you on the 385 00:37:08.800 --> 00:37:15.110 most excellent of adventures, fall greater than those of Sirs William and Theodore, 386 00:37:15.469 --> 00:37:22.630 and you will use the tools inside to please the gods and Goddesses, restoring 387 00:37:22.829 --> 00:37:30.300 balance to the multiverse. And right the wrongs of the past. Now Open 388 00:37:30.420 --> 00:37:36.420 the box. The humble farmer kneeled before the box and slowly opened it. 389 00:37:37.059 --> 00:37:42.820 Light and smoke poured from the box. Well, not really, but this 390 00:37:42.940 --> 00:37:45.329 is an audio medium, so we have to make it sound bitching. The 391 00:37:45.449 --> 00:37:51.650 farmer recoiled as his eyes saw the contents of the box. It was the 392 00:37:51.809 --> 00:37:59.199 severed head of a Windigo, but he realized it was just a costume, 393 00:38:00.599 --> 00:38:05.239 not even a good one either, because there's like Disney level costumes and this 394 00:38:05.440 --> 00:38:09.480 thing looked like it was off the shelf from party city. Yes, she 395 00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:15.670 hissed. The gods and Goddesses have called upon you to do their bidding. 396 00:38:15.429 --> 00:38:22.869 You must tell our stories, but I don't know your stories. We don't 397 00:38:22.070 --> 00:38:29.460 care. Go Make Shit up, write the history that time has denied us. 398 00:38:30.699 --> 00:38:37.179 And then what? You must tell the world's of our stories. But 399 00:38:37.219 --> 00:38:40.809 how will? Let look you up in the box. You're immortal. Now 400 00:38:42.489 --> 00:38:45.610 you have time figure it out. Big Picture. You need to work towards 401 00:38:45.849 --> 00:38:50.530 telling a bunch of people at once, but I would suggest doing it from 402 00:38:50.809 --> 00:38:55.280 some remote location, if that's even possible. They've tried this before and the 403 00:38:55.440 --> 00:39:01.079 last guy could gather enormous flocks of people together and would make up shit, 404 00:39:01.440 --> 00:39:05.920 and it did not end well for him. I mean Joe was a good 405 00:39:06.079 --> 00:39:09.670 guy, but seriously, you got to do better than he did with the 406 00:39:09.750 --> 00:39:15.469 whole seagulls and crickets or whatever the shit he was talking about. Write the 407 00:39:15.590 --> 00:39:23.030 stories, tell the stories, make the stories. This WINDICO disguise will protect 408 00:39:23.659 --> 00:39:30.619 your true self. And with that she vanished and Richard Sat alone in a 409 00:39:30.659 --> 00:39:36.619 large room, kind of like the one from beating the beast, but with 410 00:39:36.820 --> 00:39:39.969 no books. It's kind of depressing. And for the next few centuries he 411 00:39:40.289 --> 00:39:45.929 did what he was told, creating stories, cosplaying as a Windigo, using 412 00:39:45.969 --> 00:39:52.170 the shaggy defense to elude authorities. It was tough and tireless work, but 413 00:39:52.329 --> 00:39:57.599 together with his new ethereal besty Kelly, they filled that room to the Brim 414 00:39:58.280 --> 00:40:05.679 mountains of stories of mindless violence, want to murder. Many questioned their motives, 415 00:40:06.559 --> 00:40:15.670 but it all came down to three simple words likes, follows and retweets. 416 00:40:15.670 --> 00:40:22.179 This maniacal duo would grow to become the most feared power couple in the 417 00:40:22.380 --> 00:40:28.619 entire universe, all the UNIVERSES, I mean second only to like Jay Z 418 00:40:28.820 --> 00:40:34.179 and beyonce, but come on. As their influence grew, they created splinter 419 00:40:34.380 --> 00:40:43.329 cells, each manufacturing their own elaborate histories through made up stories. I would 420 00:40:43.329 --> 00:40:45.650 tell you a few, but I'm not trying to get canceled here. You 421 00:40:45.690 --> 00:40:51.000 can figure out where I'm going with that, though, right I mean whatever 422 00:40:51.159 --> 00:40:54.079 group you're thinking about right now, with lots of followers, built on a 423 00:40:54.159 --> 00:41:00.039 foundation of made up stories, that's the one I'm talking about. The humble 424 00:41:00.199 --> 00:41:07.150 farmers influence grew and in the most recent of times he recruited others to help 425 00:41:07.190 --> 00:41:14.909 him, and one became his loyalist subject. He shared this very story with 426 00:41:15.030 --> 00:41:22.260 him, and soon the student became the teacher. The humble farmer. Finally, 427 00:41:22.300 --> 00:41:29.619 after centuries, could rest. One day he learned that his loyal minion 428 00:41:30.019 --> 00:41:35.050 had betrayed him. He had tried to reveal the truth. Luckily, no 429 00:41:35.170 --> 00:41:39.489 one listened, and it had been right in front of their faces the whole 430 00:41:39.809 --> 00:41:45.050 time. They just had to pay attention. But how could one man pull 431 00:41:45.289 --> 00:41:51.159 all of this off? And I assure you, one man has pulled this 432 00:41:51.400 --> 00:41:59.639 off. It's not all what what, what? What it seems, but 433 00:41:59.760 --> 00:42:06.710 there's still one man pulling the strings, hidden in darkness and sat down here 434 00:42:06.829 --> 00:42:12.949 twins initiated by thank you for choosing what suit enterprises a man so powerful he 435 00:42:13.789 --> 00:42:25.019 is about to gain control of the Gods and goddesses that gave him this. 436 00:42:27.380 --> 00:42:37.610 Yeah, but that, my friends, is another story for another time.