Feet, bad smells, and cottage cheese...sounds like what we at M.A.S.S.K. call "Wednesday".
Guest WriterOur guest writer this week was Kayla Ray Tidwell. Sharpie is a Benchling for Two Girls On a Bench - The Podcast. Follow her on Twitter @KaylaStorytella You can still find 2 Girls on a Bench on twitter @2GirlsOnaBench too.
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Creators:
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About UsWhat happens when you take three people, put them inside a Secret Government Agency and give them access to the largest collection of folklore, fairytales, and legends that have (n)ever existed?
Down To Folk is manufactured by M.A.S.S.K. The Ministry of Augmented Something Something, and a K.
**Down to Folk is a work of comedy fiction. The views and opinions related within should be taken as such, and are not the views and opinions of the creators, writers, or performers. No children were harmed while creating this podcast, although, a few deaths have occurred, but that 'twas the Wendigo I reckon.**
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Transcript
WEBVTT
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Greetings, hello and good day.
I am Lloyd Warrington and you are accidentally
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00:00:09.230 --> 00:00:14.230
listening to another episode of down to
fork. If you are just discovering us,
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00:00:14.509 --> 00:00:18.829
you probably should have stopped looking for
podcasts now. Your life will never
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be the same. You'll see this
episode may contain dark humor and horrific scenarios.
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However, I can personally guarantee to
you that it is one hundred and
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ten percent entertainment free. If you
are listening with children, I honestly don't
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care. Those little ships are your
problem, not mine. Welcome one and
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all too yet another happiest places on
Earth, called down to fork. Women's
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mingled feet were turning up all over
the state. Ten murders in ten weeks,
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all committed with an axe. Where
was the rest of the body and,
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more importantly, who was terrifying the
citizens of Florida? Despite the various
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clues, police had no Leeds.
It was a time before DNA evidence was
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really sophisticated enough to clean much from
the findings. Each dump site was in
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the parking lot of a strip mall
in plain view. The CSI team did
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find a few pieces of evidence,
but the clues were more baffling than helpful.
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The discoveries were all made on a
Thursday. There is no blood found
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on sight. Strands of hair appeared
at each crime scene, but each were
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synthetic and different colors, links and
textures, the type you would find in
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wigs. And at each scene the
sinister calling card was left behind, a
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price tag from macy's. They could
do nothing but scratch their heads, but
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there were only three days until Thursday
rolled around again. It was time to
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call in for backup. Agent Shane
Williams was a strapping young man with a
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pinch on for the drink. He
was a plain clothes detective, though the
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term was a bit of an oxymoron. He was known to wear a devastatingly
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large Ponn show everywhere he went,
despite his proclivities to being between buzzed and
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completely drunk on the job, he
was their last hope in stopping the killer,
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though he didn't know it yet.
He knew this town and that one
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and was fairly familiar with a few
others. He'd at least heard of all
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of them, and he definitely shopped
at a macy's, though he couldn't quite
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recollect when. No, wait,
it was blooming Dale's. He thought anyway.
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He leaned back against the brick wall
with one boot up, dragging on
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his cigarette. As the police approached
him, he didn't even look up.
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This is about those feed ain't it? The officer's exchanged looks. Damn,
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he was good, Shane. We
need your help. The agent paused for
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a moment, taking another lingering puff
from the cigarette in his hand. Before
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flicking it he turned and stirred over
to them, eyes and narrowed, knowing
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the grim task that awaited him.
He wasn't glaring, he was simply so
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hammered the sunlight hurt his eyes.
Murder was nothing new to him. In
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his short time on the job,
he felt like he'd seen it all,
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and everyone knew and respected his work. He was a man with dogged determination
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and he could whip up a hell
of a cocktail, as he often did
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in the department lounge when he was
on a case. He drew up uncomfortably
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close to the pear who addressed him, smelling the booze on his breath.
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I'll handle it, but only if
I can bring billy on. One of
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the officers glanced up to the sky, already knowing just what this meant.
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The other simply mouthed the word fock
under his breath, but he already knew
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that. Say Yes, so did
they. Billy blast was a wellknown true
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crime author, the kind who would
go to whatever links necessary to get his
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story. He needled his way into
investigations, harassed officers and witnesses alike and
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one set even stolen CCTV footage.
The police hated billy blast, but if
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that's what it took to bring down
their murderer, well they just had to
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let the legend work. And so
the two embarked on a journey they knew
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would be arduous and gruesome. They
knew what they were getting into, or
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at least they presumed they did.
Shane would drink to that much, but
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they never expected what would happen next. Right across the street from with them
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and stood planning their course of action, a waiter walked briskly across telling them
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Shane had a call. He sipped
from his flask and calmly followed him into
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the restaurant. Billy just on his
heels as he picked up the receiver and
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muttered a gruff hello. The voice
on the other line spoke. He did,
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Williams, I'm so draw for roads
to your reputation proceeds here. What
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do you want? A bunk looks
more or not. Are Of what you
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want? Clothes and Rulliams, for
the name Brunder may mean anything to you.
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Jane's heart dropped into his stomach.
Brenda may He swigged from a nearby
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pitcher of hoods, followed by a
not for liquid courage. The waiter attempted
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to tap him on the shoulder and
let him know this was a non drinking
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establishment and he would have to take
his picture outside, but they'll look on
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his face told the young server it
was probably not in his best interests.
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Listen here, you son of a
bitch, if you've done anything to her,
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laughter erupted on the other end of
the line. Arm Contrary, she's
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completely fine. There she darting,
seemed to care for the dark. Poke
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two dogs. Who wouldn't do quiet? Sure, such a pretty mouth.
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Then there was nothing but dial tone. It was closing in on Wednesday night
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by now, and Shane and billy
both knew what that meant. Happy Hour.
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Billy didn't drink. He didn't smoke
or eat meat or wear leather either.
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He was extremely conscientious, having adopted
three rescue dogs and a rescue cat
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and campaigned against global climate change.
Also, he did math, because Florida.
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As Shane started in on the sauce, billy pulled open his Satchel and
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handed a tattered shoe to his partner. Shane peered the item intently before lifting
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his eyes to his friend. The
Hell you get this? Billy start his
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ice water and told him I found
it in the evidence locker. Jane's Eyes
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Grew Whiter. That's pretty extreme even
for you, Bill. It was found
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at the Miami dump side. Any
idea what it means? Jane Sat back
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and closed his eyes. I reckon. Well, I reckon it means our
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killers missing a shoe. A light
flickered in billy's eyes. That was it.
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That's what they needed. But could
they find the one showed man in
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time? Based on the abduction side
of Brenda May, Jane Determined they should
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scout out the local mall parking lot
in the early morning hours, watching the
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macy's. It wasn't really solid police
work, but he had done a great
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deal on hunches that had paid off
in the past. It was just pre
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dawn when they noticed the strange form
moving soundlessly under the parking lot lights.
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He opened some type of Duffel bag
and then threw something down before looking around
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briefly and hurrying away. Jane couldn't
hold back any more. He had to
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vomit, but then he ran,
expertly, leaping over the fire water he
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had just regurgitated. In barely over
a minute he had tackled the assailant to
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the ground. The suspect now apprehended, he led him back to whatever had
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been deposited on the ground. Billy
was already shaking his head. The math,
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you know. But they were also
too late. Another mangled pair of
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feet, another macy's price tag.
His lip quivering but his jocklinch tight.
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Shane marched to the man, to
the police station. Well, kind of.
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He Alf leaned on him. Jane
was ripp roaring, throwed, but
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who could blame him? He just
found his sweethearts feet and this bastard was
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going away for a life. That
afternoon the men stood gravely quiet in the
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medical examiner's office. Well, DOC, if you run the talk screen.
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Yet he didn't answer, just cocked
his head to the side. I know
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it's difficult without blood. This is
the eleventh pair of feet. How come
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we got no answers. The doctor
looked puzzled. Sorry, doc, I
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don't mean to roughly your feathers and
that's what it hid him. Shane ran
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to the preserved feet, pulling them
from their drawers one after another. He
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picked them up and realized they were
all mannequin feet. No wonder the cut
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was so precise. It was the
logical attachment site after fitting the form with
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pants in a department store like blooming
Dale's or or macie's. The tags.
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But there was no murderer than who? Brenda May, that wily little minx.
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She must have orchestrated this whole Ding, and he was right. She
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did. She was nuttier than a
goddamn fruit cake. But how had the
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Manikin feed been mistaken for real human
feet? While that, my friends,
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is a very strange tale indeed.
You see, the doctor very literally had
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ruffled feathers. It was as Jane
watched him it dawned on the strapping young
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agent that the doctor wasn't a doctor
at all. The doctor was a pigeon.
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Jane watched the bird as he shed
himself right then and there, as
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he often did wherever he went.
Well then, I guess Ariel has just
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given up too. Speaking of people
who have just given up, Chad has
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recruited yet another benchling from the two
girls on a bench. This story was
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written by in turn sharpy. Are
you seriously telling me that none of these
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benching people have real names? Whatever? Go to the fire pit, listen
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to your little story and then go
away. Little Muffy Hubbard was an ordinary
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looking child who loved cottage cheese.
She loved it so much she would occasionally
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steal a large container of it from
the grocery store. She would take it
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home and just dig into it with
a spoon. She wouldn't pay for it
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because she had neither a job nor
an allowance. Her favorite place to enjoy
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it was on a small Ottoman with
a plush overstuffed cushioned top, which she
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would use as a short stool.
She would just sit on her stool by
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the window, eating cottage cheese and
dream about a bigger and better life.
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One day, had about age ten, Muffy was doing this very thing,
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eating spoonful after spoonful of cottage cheese, just wiling away the afternoon alone in
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the house, because she was a
lad etchkey kid and her parents were both
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away at work and as she ate, she day dreamed and she noticed movement
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out of the corner of her eye. She looked down at the cushion on
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her stool and saw a small,
hairy, eight legged creature crawling toward her
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leg. And muffy screamed as she
jumped to her feet, dropping the container
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of the Kurds and and a way
and in her cottage she's spilled across the
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floor and a surge of more little
black spiders came rushing from every direction at
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the newfound food. And muffy was
horrified and she screamed again and she ran
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out of the House and she ran
down the street, turned the corner and
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ran some more. She ran all
the way to the grocery store where she
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would go to, you know,
still cottage cheese, but she wasn't in
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the mood for cottage cheese now.
The clerk was outside helping a customer with
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groceries and saw the little girl screaming
and running and crying and he knelt down
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and he asked her, well,
what's wrong, and she was way too
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afraid to speak. She didn't want
him to figure out that, you know,
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she had been stealing their cottage cheese. So she simply shook her head
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and ran off some more. Muffy
ran to the city park on the next
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block and and it had hid in
the in the ladies bathroom, and there
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she sulked and cried until finally she
fell asleep at a just absolute exhaustion.
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And muffy slept there all afternoon and
all evening and all through the night.
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And the next day she woke up
and she knew she had to go home.
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She had to tell her parents what
had happened. So muffy walked back
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slowly, unwilling to run because she
was still afraid of seeing the spiders again.
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And and they had caught her by
surprise. And you know she she
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00:15:33.429 --> 00:15:39.740
walked past the grocery storm. She
tried real hard not to not to look
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directly at anybody, hoping they wouldn't
recognize her. And and she reached her
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street and she saw her house,
but it wasn't there anymore. Instead,
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muffy found a large red and orange
tent. What happened to her home?
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Muffy ran to the tent, fearful
that her parents had seen the spiders too,
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00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:14.759
and ran away just like she did. But unlike Muffy, the parents
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took the house with them. She
had to find out who lived here now,
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who lived in this tent, and
if they even knew where her parents
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00:16:26.990 --> 00:16:33.379
went. Muffy reached the edge of
the tent and pulled up the bottom so
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she crawled under and inside she saw
her house. Muffy ran excitedly to the
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door and opened it and it was
dark, it was cold and it smelled
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funny. I mean it smelt really
funny, like like the old like that
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00:16:59.049 --> 00:17:11.599
gross burning smell when the vacuum cleaner
gets clogged. But her parents were gone.
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And the worst yet is there little
spiders everywhere. The muffy shrieked.
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00:17:22.230 --> 00:17:30.660
I realized the spider's we're moving.
WERE THEY ASLEEP? Muffy didn't like it
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at all. Muffy went further inside, going back to her favorite spot by
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the window. The cottage cheese was
was gone. Thank God, because that
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00:17:44.930 --> 00:17:49.609
would have really stunk. The container
was gone and but luckily her stool was
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00:17:49.690 --> 00:17:59.440
still there and muffy picked it up
and and if she did her her head
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got woozy from the smell, like
not like rotten cottage cheese, this that
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00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:08.880
like that funky vacuum smell. Anyway, she started to piece together what had
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happened. The spiders must have eaten
her parents, obviously, and they covered
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00:18:18.150 --> 00:18:25.430
the house with a tent to hide
the evidence, like you do. That
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00:18:25.710 --> 00:18:33.619
was all the convincing that muffy needed
to get out. So, with her
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stool in hand, she crawled back
out from under the tent and carefully stayed
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quiet not to wake the spiders,
and then said goodbye to the House and
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goodbye to her parents and goodbye all
the scary ass spiders that had eaten them.
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And after wandering alone, with tears
in her eyes in her stool in
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her hand, Muffy was picked up
by the authorities. They questioned her many
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times about who she was, who
are family was, but Muffy didn't want
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to answer their questions because she knew. She knew they would laugh at her
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and if she told them the truth
about spiders eating her mom and dad and
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00:19:32.900 --> 00:19:41.130
putting a tent over it to cover
it up, she wouldn't even tell them
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her name. So the authorities decided
to put her in a foster home while
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they sorted things out. Bunny years. The foster house was run by an
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00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:06.960
old lady who cared for seven other
children. The family was without a father
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and the old lady didn't work.
Instead she relied on checks that the government
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gave her for caring for children,
and in order to stretch out her budget,
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the old woman would make different condensed
soups that came highly recommended from some
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podcast and would add three times the
recommended amount of water, never milk,
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turning it into, you know,
just like slightly more than broth. And
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there wasn't even any bread to go
with it. And the children would complain
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about being hungry, but the old
woman would not listen. She would simply
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brush the children away, shoe shoe, and if the children continued to complain,
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the old woman would whip the children
into submission before sending them to bed,
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all with silent tears running down their
face. That was not the home
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00:21:08.390 --> 00:21:12.990
muffy wanted, so for the second
time in her life, she ran away.
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00:21:14.589 --> 00:21:18.299
And as Muffy grew older, she'd
made her way through life by finding
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occasional work, then later surviving by
dumpster diving and shoplifting. It was much
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easier for a child to earn money
under the table doing yard work and odd
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jobs then it was for an adult, which she learned as she grew older
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and out of her cute kid pays. Muffy, the runaway made her home
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in a building that was condemned and
forgotten. She took one of its apartments
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00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:57.599
for her own. Lived among a
bunch of hoboes and drug addicts, and
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00:21:59.440 --> 00:22:04.349
it was a cramped studio apartment,
but that was all she needed. As
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00:22:04.470 --> 00:22:11.509
long as she still had her favorite
stool to sit on. Neighbors usually left
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00:22:11.549 --> 00:22:18.819
her alone, and when she was
an out scavenging, she would just stay
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00:22:18.859 --> 00:22:23.140
at home in her apartment, sitting
on her beat up, bold ass stool
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and daydream. She didn't socialize with
the rest of the building. She wouldn't
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even tell them her name, but
sometimes, when the hunting was good,
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00:22:34.650 --> 00:22:38.809
she would share some of her food
with them, and they responded by calling
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00:22:38.849 --> 00:22:47.119
her old mother as an ironic term
of endearment. Muffy huppard had become an
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00:22:47.279 --> 00:22:52.839
expert treasure hunter when it came to
surviving on her own, and it was
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00:22:52.440 --> 00:22:59.750
on one of those treasure hunts that
she met the last friend she would ever
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00:22:59.869 --> 00:23:04.390
make. Muffy was going through trash
cans in an alley behind a restaurant one
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00:23:04.470 --> 00:23:11.309
evening when she heard a noise behind
her. She froze in place, unsure
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of what awaited her. She knew
the owners of the restaurant usually weren't very
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00:23:17.900 --> 00:23:21.380
nice to people, you know,
digging through their track, but no one
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00:23:21.420 --> 00:23:26.809
yelled. So she turned cautiously around
and looked, and staring back at her
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was a large gray dog with a
curious look on his face. She approached
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00:23:36.289 --> 00:23:41.079
the pooch cautiously. He let her
come close and and flinched as she reached
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00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:47.599
out to pet him, but eventually
he let her fingers make contact and her
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heart melted. Worried the dog would
get her caught by the restaurant owner,
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00:23:53.519 --> 00:23:59.869
muffy decided call it a night go
home, and the dog followed her.
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00:24:00.109 --> 00:24:04.910
And along the way the the dog
would stop to smell something here or piss
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00:24:06.029 --> 00:24:10.900
on something over there, but she
continued on her way and he continued to
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00:24:11.019 --> 00:24:15.980
follow and finally, when she got
home, she brought the dog inside of
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00:24:15.059 --> 00:24:18.740
her apartment and looked him over.
You'll need a wash for sure, she
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00:24:19.019 --> 00:24:25.329
said to him. Then her stomach
growled, which made the dog's ears perk
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up. Are you hungry? The
duck stared back wordless in the way that
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00:24:32.769 --> 00:24:36.609
you know dogs do, and Muffy
went over to the cupboard to get some
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old Turkey bones that she had scavenged
months ago, but the cupboard was empty.
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00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:47.799
One of the building neighbors must have
come in and taken them. I'm
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00:24:48.279 --> 00:24:52.990
I'm sorry, she told the dog. I don't have any bones for you
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00:24:52.750 --> 00:24:57.150
or me, and she shrugged.
No food, will have to find some
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00:24:57.349 --> 00:25:04.549
tomorrow. And muffy then sat down
on her treasured tufted stool and called the
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00:25:04.630 --> 00:25:08.579
dog to her and the dog,
her new best friend, came over.
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00:25:10.180 --> 00:25:12.500
She reached out to pat him,
but as she reached out to pat him,
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00:25:12.900 --> 00:25:18.380
just as he did in the alley, the dog flinched. She tried
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00:25:18.420 --> 00:25:22.369
again and he lunged forward, burying
his teeth and he bitter in the neck
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00:25:22.650 --> 00:25:29.170
and he tore her crowded artery and
muffy Hubbard slump to the floor, gurgling,
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00:25:30.289 --> 00:25:37.000
bleeding to death as the stray dog
tore into her flesh, enjoying the
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00:25:37.240 --> 00:25:49.549
first full meal that he had had
in weeks. Wow, that one wasn't
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00:25:49.630 --> 00:25:55.390
off bat. I'm still not a
fun of these people named after an animates
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00:25:55.430 --> 00:26:00.109
objects, but hey, you get
what you pay for. The Mermaid broad
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00:26:00.190 --> 00:26:04.660
from the malice podcast wrote and performed
some sort of fetish peace. The story
255
00:26:04.700 --> 00:26:10.420
of Muffy Hubbard was written by our
in turn, Kayla Ray Tidwell, sharpie.
256
00:26:11.180 --> 00:26:15.220
It was then sort of performed by
that perfect package podcast Guy, the
257
00:26:15.380 --> 00:26:22.450
bold white one, not the Melanin
forward funny one. Distribution is still provided
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00:26:22.529 --> 00:26:29.690
by the pod fix network, at
pod fix networkcom. DTF storiescom is the
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00:26:29.769 --> 00:26:37.319
website DTF stories on social media.
You knew that. If you somehow enjoy
260
00:26:37.519 --> 00:26:41.119
this abomination, you can support the
show on Patreon, as well as en
261
00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:48.509
kofeecom. Links are in the show
notes and a DTF storiescom. On behalf
262
00:26:48.549 --> 00:26:53.109
of the Ministry of augmented something,
something and a k. This is nondescript
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00:26:53.230 --> 00:27:02.059
British guy signing off. You've been
listening to a podcast of the pod fix
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00:27:02.140 --> 00:27:06.980
network. Discover more audible gems like
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to catch up to the minute networks
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and make sure to subscribe to pod
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