April 14, 2021

Christmas in April

Christmas in April

Christmas and Easter in the same month? Why not!


Christmas and Easter in the same month?  Why not! 

Our main story was a special request from a listener...yes, we do take requests.Our "Most Beloved Christmas Story Of All Time" was written by Doogie Horner

Learn more about Doogie and buy consider buying this or one of his other amazing books at DoogieHorner.com 

Find Us Online 

Join Our Discord!! 

Discord: https://discord.gg/zWnH4upJCm 

Support The Show! 

CreditsHost: 

Creators: 

Producer/Editor/Engineer: Dick CabezaIntern: Dana The Intern 

Distribution:The PodFix Network 

About UsWhat happens when you take three people,  put them inside a Secret Government Agency and give them access to the largest collection of folklore, fairytales, and legends that have (n)ever existed? 

Down To Folk is manufactured by M.A.S.S.K. The Ministry of Augmented Something Something, and a K. 

**Down to Folk is a work of comedy fiction.  The views and opinions related within should be taken as such, and are not the views and opinions of the creators, writers, or performers.  No children were harmed while creating this podcast, although, a few deaths have occurred, but that 'twas the Wendigo I reckon.**  

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Transcript
WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.240 --> 00:00:09.750 Season's greetings and welcome to a special episode of down to folk. Why is 2 00:00:09.869 --> 00:00:16.670 it special? Because it's Christmas in April. And why not? After six 3 00:00:16.710 --> 00:00:21.230 episodes? Why try to get the train back on the tracks now? This 4 00:00:21.429 --> 00:00:26.379 is our gift to all our see and e Christian listeners out there. Here 5 00:00:26.500 --> 00:00:31.780 you are, Christmas and Easter back to back. Consider down to fork your 6 00:00:31.899 --> 00:00:37.570 one stop shop for all your Christian based holiday needs. The stories in this 7 00:00:37.770 --> 00:00:42.530 episode may contain adult themes. Now more than ever, see the little e 8 00:00:43.929 --> 00:00:48.329 that means that you will hear some grown up words this week. This is 9 00:00:48.409 --> 00:00:54.560 your final warning to put your children back in their respective cages or let them 10 00:00:54.600 --> 00:00:58.880 listen. We're all on the naughty list anyway, Santa told me himself. 11 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:03.750 Speaking of made up stories, our first story was a request from a listener 12 00:01:03.829 --> 00:01:08.390 of the two girls on a bench podcast. Their name was Brett, or 13 00:01:08.510 --> 00:01:12.670 maybe Jordan, or was IT Bridge Ordan? Honestly, it doesn't matter. 14 00:01:14.829 --> 00:01:26.900 None of this really matters. It never does. Twas the night for Christmas 15 00:01:26.459 --> 00:01:34.370 and Arthur betwe were we ellen brothers, totaling three. They were honest, 16 00:01:34.650 --> 00:01:40.810 hard working and lived for the laughs. As they baked their we lookings and 17 00:01:40.969 --> 00:01:47.920 drank from her ass, each little morsel as sweet as can be and drizzled 18 00:01:48.040 --> 00:01:56.920 with chocolate most delicately in stripes and in squiggles to make children smile and to 19 00:01:57.079 --> 00:02:01.189 fill their own bellies every once in a while. This Day, as they 20 00:02:01.349 --> 00:02:07.270 baked and sang an old ballad, when brother began to look awfully Pallid, 21 00:02:08.389 --> 00:02:15.219 his eyes grew wide and they searched for the cause. For their wee eyes 22 00:02:15.699 --> 00:02:22.979 they beheld the Santa Claus will whole. Little elves, how good to be 23 00:02:23.219 --> 00:02:30.650 here. A cookie for me, what Great Christmas cheer. But Alas, 24 00:02:30.729 --> 00:02:36.449 I had not here for your tasty baked treats. I have my mind set 25 00:02:36.610 --> 00:02:43.050 to some different sweets. They look back and forth between one another, not 26 00:02:43.449 --> 00:02:50.520 getting he wanted from them something other than what they were known for from lands 27 00:02:50.719 --> 00:02:57.039 far and near. But he started. Dear elves, I'll be perfectly clear. 28 00:02:58.199 --> 00:03:01.750 I've a bit of a shortage up in the North Pole. My oaths 29 00:03:01.830 --> 00:03:07.389 have been dwindling up there in the cold. I can't figure why they're always 30 00:03:07.389 --> 00:03:15.659 disappearing, but I need some more help, or this year I'm fearing the 31 00:03:15.939 --> 00:03:21.300 toys won't be made and I won't get to fly and the children will wake 32 00:03:21.340 --> 00:03:27.650 up disappointed and cry. So I ask the just two of you come back 33 00:03:27.889 --> 00:03:32.330 with me so we can save Christmas, just you, you and me. 34 00:03:34.969 --> 00:03:40.680 The two younger brothers with Giddy and wild jumping and squealing just like a child, 35 00:03:42.400 --> 00:03:46.960 and the older one hugged them. He't already agreed. They took off 36 00:03:47.159 --> 00:03:53.800 towards the North Pole at staggering spade. So the one elf remained, still 37 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:58.990 cheering, pleased. It's in ENOLUGH's nature to go on with the breeze. 38 00:03:59.949 --> 00:04:04.069 But soon he found a weird note on his branch. He read it and 39 00:04:04.349 --> 00:04:11.259 soon enough started to blanch. You've been tricked. The note read and scrawled 40 00:04:11.379 --> 00:04:16.060 green ink. Santa doesn't want helpers. It's not what you think. He's 41 00:04:16.259 --> 00:04:21.899 part of a sordid, horrible thing. He's running some sort of smuggling ring. 42 00:04:24.139 --> 00:04:30.610 Dear God, the Elf whispered as he rushed to arrange to star down 43 00:04:30.730 --> 00:04:36.810 his journey so creepy and strange. With his knapsack packed and a lantern for 44 00:04:38.009 --> 00:04:43.360 glove, he set off for the land of ice and of snow. A 45 00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:49.720 riving he moved with silence and care. The other elves couldn't know he was 46 00:04:49.879 --> 00:04:57.310 there. He found nothing. Suggesting an Elf out of place. They worked 47 00:04:57.389 --> 00:05:02.670 on their toys at their feverish pace. But as he crept softly around the 48 00:05:02.790 --> 00:05:10.300 workshop, a small door down a hall caused him to stop. Overhead he 49 00:05:10.500 --> 00:05:17.220 saw written the word Jelly beans. He just couldn't figure out what that word 50 00:05:17.300 --> 00:05:24.250 means. jellies not beans, and veins are not Jelly, and both together 51 00:05:24.610 --> 00:05:30.050 sounded bad for the belly. Cracking the door, he peeped just inside, 52 00:05:30.769 --> 00:05:36.439 but seeing the table, he was horrified. Upon it he saw his brother 53 00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:44.759 cut open, a little Elf surgeon, gasperately hoping to tend into the wounds 54 00:05:44.920 --> 00:05:49.670 around his middle. On the table he looked so weak, constant. Little 55 00:05:50.750 --> 00:05:56.949 the Elf closed the door, as yet unprepared, a little bit burried, 56 00:05:57.709 --> 00:06:03.420 a little bit scared. What was the meaning? What had his brother endured? 57 00:06:03.860 --> 00:06:09.540 And, for that matter, where was the other? He found himself 58 00:06:09.579 --> 00:06:14.980 friend out into the snow. As the flakes fell, heavy wind started to 59 00:06:15.060 --> 00:06:20.569 blow. Their red figure suddenly loomed uphead and the Elf raised his eyes, 60 00:06:21.129 --> 00:06:27.449 overcome of his dray. Oh Hole, my friend, you seem to be 61 00:06:27.610 --> 00:06:33.040 chilly. Let's take you inside and warm you up. Silly Alf had her 62 00:06:33.160 --> 00:06:41.160 choice but to follow inside. Claws Brighton CIDER and his eyes stayed wide. 63 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:46.790 I'm guessing you heard that. I'm up to a scheme. I'll explain everything, 64 00:06:47.350 --> 00:06:53.269 you'll see what I mean. It turns out there's quite the high price 65 00:06:53.470 --> 00:07:00.829 to be fetched. With terms of morality properly stretched, I've found quite the 66 00:07:00.990 --> 00:07:06.980 dealer for my conjure bad goods. Who sells them for you won't believe this, 67 00:07:08.300 --> 00:07:14.420 for foods. And what are these miragulous treats? Eyes of Disney? 68 00:07:15.220 --> 00:07:21.410 Well, my sweet fellow, this simply Elf kidneys. Santa began to Howl, 69 00:07:21.449 --> 00:07:28.449 laughing, just then, del lighted by sharing his dastardly sin, the 70 00:07:28.610 --> 00:07:34.240 horrified Elf protested, but found he was flurring. His speech. Being called 71 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:43.560 by the ground, was raised buttered at last, but his eyes drooped closed 72 00:07:44.310 --> 00:07:49.709 and he fell asleep fast. The OAK's eyes blinked. He had no clue 73 00:07:49.790 --> 00:07:57.310 the time. Delirious and dizzy, no reason, nor rhyme. He felt 74 00:07:57.389 --> 00:08:03.980 chilly and pain was plaguing his side. He was panicked and nauseous, with 75 00:08:03.180 --> 00:08:11.259 drugs heaping plot. So what is the moral, my dearest friends? Santa's 76 00:08:11.379 --> 00:08:16.769 is soul less black market kingpin. The Elf heard as he screamed in the 77 00:08:16.889 --> 00:08:24.569 bloody red eyes. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. 78 00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:39.720 Thank you, Brad Jordan. My Soul is now full of holiday spirit. 79 00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:46.350 Who would have ever guessed the jolly old elph is a sadistic, criminal mastermind? 80 00:08:46.669 --> 00:08:52.710 So twenty eight coming soon, from the creators of down to folk. 81 00:08:52.870 --> 00:08:56.820 Let's go now to the fireplace in the Cummon area which I will be reading 82 00:08:56.899 --> 00:09:03.340 one of the greatest and most beloved Christmas stories of old time. Enjoy every 83 00:09:03.460 --> 00:09:13.450 one, I will see you on the other side. Twas the night before 84 00:09:13.490 --> 00:09:20.009 Christmas, and up in the tower everyone was partying, except for one wall 85 00:09:20.169 --> 00:09:26.039 flower. John Mc lean missed his wife. Things just weren't the same since 86 00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:31.679 holly had moved out West and changed her last name. He tried to win 87 00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:37.399 her back, but she still said No. Well, unbeknownst to them there 88 00:09:37.590 --> 00:09:43.429 was trouble below. A truck had pulled up, and who should disembark but 89 00:09:43.710 --> 00:09:52.070 fourteen men whose intentions were dark. They spoke not a word and unloaded big 90 00:09:52.269 --> 00:09:58.940 crates. They cut the phone lines and shut all the gates. Carl swept 91 00:09:58.100 --> 00:10:05.220 the ground floor, shooting every guard dead. While visions of bearer bonds danced 92 00:10:05.460 --> 00:10:11.450 in his head, John took off his shoes, making fists with his toes. 93 00:10:13.049 --> 00:10:16.649 It actually worked well. What d'ye know when, out in the lobby 94 00:10:18.090 --> 00:10:22.480 there arose such a clatter he sprung to the door to see what was the 95 00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:28.360 matter. When what to his wandering eyes should appear? Holy Crap, there 96 00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:35.399 are terrorists here. John Hid under a table where no one could see and 97 00:10:35.389 --> 00:10:41.870 watch. Hans question this to Tocoggy. I will count two, three, 98 00:10:43.669 --> 00:10:48.590 there will not be a four. Give me the codes to open the vault 99 00:10:48.789 --> 00:10:54.659 door. I don't know the codes. Go ahead and shoot. Okay, 100 00:10:54.139 --> 00:11:01.460 said Hans Gruber and ruined to Kagi's suit. John Tried to call the cops 101 00:11:01.779 --> 00:11:07.289 by pulling an alarm, but instead called the bad guys who tried to cause 102 00:11:07.330 --> 00:11:11.649 him harm. But John Killed Tony, who had very small feet, and 103 00:11:11.929 --> 00:11:18.240 sent him to the terrorists. As a Yuletide treat he pulled a Sanda hat 104 00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:24.679 on the German and, eyes all aglow, wrote now I have a machine 105 00:11:24.759 --> 00:11:31.240 gun, hoe, Hoe, Hoe. Carl was furious. Tony was his 106 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:37.590 brother. He chased John Across the roof and they shot at each other. 107 00:11:37.429 --> 00:11:43.110 John was able to escape through the ventilation shafts. Come out to the coast, 108 00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:50.379 he sighed. Will have a few laughs. At Nakatomi Tower, Sergeant 109 00:11:50.500 --> 00:11:56.179 Powell appeared. He checked the whole lobby and saw nothing weird. He was 110 00:11:56.340 --> 00:12:01.769 pulling away, but didn't get far before Marco landed on the hood of his 111 00:12:03.090 --> 00:12:09.850 car. Powell drove away backwards, screaming and fright. Welcome to the party, 112 00:12:09.970 --> 00:12:16.519 Pal John Yelled with delight. More people arrived, the FBI and a 113 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:20.320 Swat team, and Hans didn't mind. It was all part of his scheme. 114 00:12:22.279 --> 00:12:26.440 More rapid than eagles, his henchmen they came. He radioed and shouted 115 00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:31.669 and called them by name. Now Eddie, now James, now Franco, 116 00:12:31.990 --> 00:12:39.990 now uli, on Fritz and on Carl, hair long and unruly. They 117 00:12:39.190 --> 00:12:45.460 shot the SWAT tank with a surface to air missile and knocked it away like 118 00:12:45.620 --> 00:12:50.860 the down of a thistle. Now John mcclaine was angry indeed. He blew 119 00:12:50.980 --> 00:12:56.899 up to terrorists and called them jerkweed. Ellis told Hans Booby, I'm your 120 00:12:58.059 --> 00:13:03.649 White Knight. Hans shot him dead, giving the hostages affright. Hans went 121 00:13:03.850 --> 00:13:11.889 to check on the explosives views and saw that poor John wasn't wearing any shoes. 122 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:18.639 John fled from Carl and Hans but alas he had to run bare foot 123 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:24.720 over sharp broken glass. His feet, how they hurt, his soul's Oh 124 00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:33.629 so bloody. He crawled to the bathroom and called his good buddy. John 125 00:13:33.110 --> 00:13:39.190 was weary and ready to throw in the towel until he got a pep talk 126 00:13:39.990 --> 00:13:46.620 from Sergeant Owl Powell. Pal was Chubby and plump, a right jolly old 127 00:13:46.860 --> 00:13:52.340 cop, and he trusted the cowboy in the tattered tank top. But a 128 00:13:52.460 --> 00:14:01.330 reporter was probing into McClean's life and revealed that holly was actually John's wife. 129 00:14:01.049 --> 00:14:07.889 Hans quickly flipped over the gold picture frame. It's a pleasure to meet you, 130 00:14:07.610 --> 00:14:15.919 Mrs McClean. His clothes all tarnished with ashes and soot, John Staggered 131 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:20.679 to the roof, bloody and barefoot. The explosives were wired to the rooftop 132 00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:26.990 with care in hopes that the hostages soon would be there. John warned everyone 133 00:14:28.149 --> 00:14:33.830 the rooftop would soon blow. As the helicopter strafed him with high power ammo 134 00:14:35.549 --> 00:14:39.460 around his waist, he tied a fire host tight and, screaming an oath, 135 00:14:39.700 --> 00:14:46.340 jumped into the night. He dangled in the air, gritting his teeth, 136 00:14:46.940 --> 00:14:52.129 while flames encircled the tower like a wreath. Fiercely fighting his way back 137 00:14:52.289 --> 00:14:58.529 inside, John Yelled Hans. He was done trying to hide. He limped 138 00:14:58.570 --> 00:15:05.169 to the vault like an old man on crutches, only to find holly in 139 00:15:05.370 --> 00:15:09.879 his filthy clutches. John dropped his gun and put his hands on his head. 140 00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:16.639 It seemed he and holly would soon be dead. He had a secret 141 00:15:16.720 --> 00:15:22.110 gun tape to his back. John Shot Hans in a surprise attack. Hans 142 00:15:22.269 --> 00:15:30.750 fell out the window while holding holly's arm, and slowly deliberately raised his fire 143 00:15:30.990 --> 00:15:39.700 arm. The tenacious villain held on by his nails till John unhooked Holly's watch 144 00:15:39.299 --> 00:15:48.100 and said happy trails bearer. Bonds fluttered like fresh fallen snow as holly embraced 145 00:15:48.419 --> 00:15:54.409 her blood spattered bow. So Mary Christmas, to all be kind to one 146 00:15:54.490 --> 00:16:00.730 another and, most of all, hippy Caya, motherfucker. Thank you for 147 00:16:00.889 --> 00:16:06.960 continuing to listen to down to folk. This episode's main story was written and 148 00:16:07.120 --> 00:16:10.360 performed for the low low price of four hundred and ninety nine a minute by 149 00:16:10.360 --> 00:16:14.799 Ariel Cook Sie of the malice podcast, of the request of someone named Brijordan. 150 00:16:15.960 --> 00:16:22.669 That will teach them to keep them my shut this episode's Camp Fire Fireplace 151 00:16:22.750 --> 00:16:26.549 Story was written by Doogie Horner. Find more of Mr Horner's best selling work 152 00:16:26.629 --> 00:16:32.710 at Doogie Hornacom. It was performed by Chad Brock, Braider of the perfect 153 00:16:32.830 --> 00:16:37.740 package podcast, but I'm sure you figured that out already. For additional stories 154 00:16:37.820 --> 00:16:45.860 and content, visit DT F storiescom or at DTF stories across all social media. 155 00:16:47.929 --> 00:16:52.889 Our top secret distribution services are provided by the pod fix network at pod 156 00:16:52.970 --> 00:17:00.169 fix networkcom. Last but not least, if your DTF, visit the down 157 00:17:00.210 --> 00:17:07.559 to folk patreon at Patreoncom. Slash DTF stories for exclusive content and live simulation 158 00:17:07.720 --> 00:17:15.039 events. You've been listening to a podcast of the pod fix network. Discover 159 00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:18.430 more audible gems like this at pod fix networkcom. Make sure to catch up 160 00:17:18.470 --> 00:17:22.829 to the minute networks and Aigan's by following at pod fix on twitter, official 161 00:17:22.829 --> 00:17:27.589 underscore pod fix on Instagram, at pod fix network on Facebook, and make 162 00:17:27.630 --> 00:17:32.980 sure to subscribe to pod fix presents wherever you choose to find podcasts. The 163 00:17:33.099 --> 00:17:34.420 pod fix network. Artist own the love