Aug. 25, 2021

Autobiography

Autobiography

The Holy Trinity of Blah get personal (allegedly).


The Holy Trinity of Blah get personal (allegedly). 

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About UsWhat happens when you take three people,  put them inside a Secret Government Agency and give them access to the largest collection of folklore, fairytales, and legends that have (n)ever existed? 

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Transcript
WEBVTT 1 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:10.509 Hello Friends, welcome to another episode of Down Default. This week we are 2 00:00:10.550 --> 00:00:15.109 starting things off next to the campfire with Mr Jordan. Let's see what special 3 00:00:15.150 --> 00:00:27.539 story he has for us this week. Heavens knew that Marlin needed a break 4 00:00:27.699 --> 00:00:33.060 from the agriculture center which he oversaw. In fact, that was his whole 5 00:00:33.100 --> 00:00:38.770 species duty in life to be farmers, humble farmers taking care of their planet's 6 00:00:38.810 --> 00:00:44.530 ecosystem and studying other planets to see what worked and what didn't work. That's 7 00:00:44.570 --> 00:00:50.200 one of the reasons he hated this specific planet. While it was predominantly water, 8 00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:55.759 the land that was in use for agriculture was overrun by the ruling species 9 00:00:55.840 --> 00:01:00.200 of the planet. In Marlin's mind and the rest of the Galaxy's opinion, 10 00:01:00.679 --> 00:01:04.349 this planet was garbage and had very little to offer to the worlds around them. 11 00:01:04.989 --> 00:01:10.230 That was specifically why the planet had a no contact rule, because, 12 00:01:10.349 --> 00:01:14.510 seriously, if the inhabitants of this planet knew what the rest of the universe 13 00:01:14.590 --> 00:01:19.180 thought of them, it would be embarrassing. Plus, the grace had been 14 00:01:19.219 --> 00:01:23.700 visiting the planet forever and after a while they got bored with what they saw 15 00:01:23.900 --> 00:01:29.260 and started to do inhumane experiments with probes and abductions just to get their kicks. 16 00:01:29.900 --> 00:01:32.819 The guild wanted to put an end to it, but the videos at 17 00:01:32.819 --> 00:01:36.969 the grays brought back became a syndicated hit on all the networks. So they 18 00:01:37.010 --> 00:01:42.730 were given artistic license to visit them and performed their pranks. While the rest 19 00:01:42.769 --> 00:01:47.480 of Marlin's family had visited the planet, his youngest offspring, Herbert, had 20 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:52.400 not. Herbert was young and curious. At only four hundred years of age, 21 00:01:52.680 --> 00:01:56.760 his wide Blue Eyes hadn't yet touched the possibilities of the worlds around them. 22 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.840 The trip would be good for Herbert. It would provide him with a 23 00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:07.590 much needed unsupervised exploration to build his confidence. Marlin received a visitor's pass from 24 00:02:07.629 --> 00:02:13.150 the guilt and off they went. Marlin, Clara, Moonbeam and Herbert packed 25 00:02:13.189 --> 00:02:16.860 up the ship and headed out. Upon arrival at night, Marlin gathered the 26 00:02:16.939 --> 00:02:23.060 family at the pod Bay doors. Listen, this is an educational trip. 27 00:02:23.460 --> 00:02:27.259 Your mom and I will be monitoring you from the ship. Moonbeam, you 28 00:02:27.340 --> 00:02:31.169 are to gather so soil samples and and Herbert, you are to gather flora 29 00:02:31.250 --> 00:02:35.930 samples. We will meet up in two hours and then have a picnic on 30 00:02:36.009 --> 00:02:42.009 this planet's moon. I hate soil samples. Cannot catch a human like the 31 00:02:42.129 --> 00:02:46.000 grays deal. Moonbeam complained as she gathered up her science kit. No, 32 00:02:46.680 --> 00:02:53.240 we can't remember what happened last time, Clara chided, looking into the distance 33 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:58.199 as if she were witnessing the horrible incidents from the last trip before Herbert was 34 00:02:58.360 --> 00:03:02.710 born. Herbert was excited and anxious at the same time. Dad, what 35 00:03:02.870 --> 00:03:08.389 if something bad happens? Marlin looked at his son, his wide head, 36 00:03:08.750 --> 00:03:15.580 his big blue eyes, his gangly arms. If anything happens, JOS returned 37 00:03:15.620 --> 00:03:19.819 to the ship and we'll leave. Got It. Marlin patted his son on 38 00:03:19.900 --> 00:03:23.979 the back in reassurance. The four stood before the doors, their hearts glowing 39 00:03:24.060 --> 00:03:29.969 red through their brownish chest they raised their hands to the center and touched their 40 00:03:30.009 --> 00:03:36.449 glowing fingers together and said their cheesy little family cheer for Science, and the 41 00:03:36.569 --> 00:03:42.400 doors opened unto the world outside. Marlin and Clara stayed on the ship as 42 00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:46.400 their children went out to explore the world. Are you worried about Herbert? 43 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:53.080 Clara leaned her long headed neck on to Marlin's shoulder. Not Really. I 44 00:03:53.240 --> 00:03:58.270 mean, what's the worst that could happen? An hour later they would find 45 00:03:58.310 --> 00:04:02.590 out the forest in which they had landed suddenly filled with humans, flashing lights 46 00:04:02.750 --> 00:04:06.909 and terror. Marlin and Clara called their children back to the ship, and 47 00:04:08.110 --> 00:04:12.539 Moonbeam, who decided not to get soil samples but to torture squirrels, was 48 00:04:12.740 --> 00:04:15.420 close as to the ship and made it back in no time. Herbert, 49 00:04:15.500 --> 00:04:19.420 however, amazed by the diversity and uniqueness of the flora of the planet, 50 00:04:19.579 --> 00:04:24.810 had wandered too far from the ship and well got lost. He moved further 51 00:04:24.930 --> 00:04:28.209 and further away from the ship as he was confronted by the humans, from 52 00:04:28.250 --> 00:04:31.810 which he ran away and became even more lost. Marlin had to make a 53 00:04:31.930 --> 00:04:35.769 decision. If Herbert didn't make it back in time, he would have to 54 00:04:35.810 --> 00:04:40.399 be left behind, which isn't such a problem. If Herbert stayed in the 55 00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:43.600 forest, they'd be back in a few days to pick him up. If 56 00:04:43.720 --> 00:04:47.240 Herbert didn't know how to survive by now, well, it wouldn't be the 57 00:04:47.399 --> 00:04:53.389 first kid Marlin had lost on a trip. Marlin stood at the door and 58 00:04:53.629 --> 00:04:58.350 waited while Clara got the engines primed. He stared out into the vast forest, 59 00:04:58.550 --> 00:05:01.269 watching the flashing lights and listening to the sounds of humans running and screaming 60 00:05:01.269 --> 00:05:05.350 at each other, saying it's over here, it's over here. By the 61 00:05:05.470 --> 00:05:10.939 time the engines were warmed up in the exit course was laid out, Herbert 62 00:05:11.060 --> 00:05:15.259 was nowhere to be seen. Marlin made the decision leave the kid behind. 63 00:05:15.939 --> 00:05:19.779 It would be a learning experience. He closed the door and, as a 64 00:05:19.860 --> 00:05:27.290 ship took off, leaving poor herbert behind. Great job, Marlin, Clara 65 00:05:27.329 --> 00:05:30.810 yelled at Marlin. Nothing bad will happen. Earth is a Shithole Planet. 66 00:05:31.410 --> 00:05:36.920 You left our son behind. I had no choice, Clara, but you 67 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:42.600 promised, especially after last time on all the Ron and we all know what 68 00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:46.600 happened. Then Clara glared at Marlin. How was I supposed to know that 69 00:05:46.759 --> 00:05:51.629 the planet would be disintegrated, Clara? It's not like I was expecting that. 70 00:05:53.230 --> 00:05:57.870 Marlin rolled his eyes. It was the same argument every time. Lose 71 00:05:57.990 --> 00:06:01.470 one child on a planet and hostile territory and all of a sudden it's your 72 00:06:01.629 --> 00:06:08.259 fault, fucking empire. MOONBEAM SAT quietly in the corner watching her squirrels fight 73 00:06:08.379 --> 00:06:12.980 over a nut. She had lost a sibling before. This wasn't anything new, 74 00:06:13.060 --> 00:06:16.180 nor was it exciting. Well then, what do we do now, 75 00:06:16.779 --> 00:06:23.970 Clara yelled back. We wait. Herbert isn't dumb. He will figure something 76 00:06:24.089 --> 00:06:27.769 out. Marlin stated, not even sure if he believed what he was saying. 77 00:06:28.529 --> 00:06:31.610 Marlin, Clara and Moonbeam waited for a week or so to hear from 78 00:06:31.610 --> 00:06:36.079 Herbert. That was the rule. If you ever got separated, you would 79 00:06:36.120 --> 00:06:40.879 phone home and they would come and pick you up. But there was nothing 80 00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:45.720 for a whole week. MOONBEAM got tired of watching her squirrels, so she 81 00:06:45.800 --> 00:06:48.149 made up a game of shooting them out of the airlock. She thought they 82 00:06:48.149 --> 00:06:53.829 might explode, but instead they just became furry blocks of ice shooting through space. 83 00:06:54.589 --> 00:06:59.629 She wished she had gotten some more. Clara made Marlin sleep in the 84 00:06:59.670 --> 00:07:03.379 family room as punishment for losing another child. Marlin was fine with this, 85 00:07:03.620 --> 00:07:11.100 as Clara had a perchance to snore. Finally, one day they received a 86 00:07:11.180 --> 00:07:15.529 message from Herbert. For the love of God, come get me. The 87 00:07:15.610 --> 00:07:19.850 KID has formed a strange bond with me and the planet's air quality sucks and 88 00:07:19.970 --> 00:07:27.129 it's killing me literally. Come and get me, and with that the coordinates 89 00:07:27.170 --> 00:07:30.319 were set. Upon their arrival, Marlin looked down on the landing area and 90 00:07:30.399 --> 00:07:33.920 saw that there were a lot of humans looking up at their ship. For 91 00:07:34.199 --> 00:07:39.959 fock's sake, what is this? A WELCOME PARTY? Marlin rolled his eyes 92 00:07:40.040 --> 00:07:44.240 as he landed. He dropped the ramp, opened the door and stood impatiently 93 00:07:44.279 --> 00:07:47.709 as Herbert said goodbye to a little human. Herbert walked up the ramp and 94 00:07:47.829 --> 00:07:53.910 gave Marlin a stern glare. What took you so long, Herbert said under 95 00:07:53.949 --> 00:07:59.899 his breath. Excuse me, we were waiting for your message. Marlin snapped 96 00:07:59.939 --> 00:08:05.379 back here right you saw me and took off. I know what happened to 97 00:08:05.420 --> 00:08:09.500 Riley. Don't start that again. Your mother has already been up my ass 98 00:08:09.500 --> 00:08:13.769 all week about that. Herbert turned to face the humans in the field and 99 00:08:13.930 --> 00:08:18.089 raised his glowing finger. Fuck you humans. And as they flew away, 100 00:08:18.610 --> 00:08:24.490 Moonbeam let out the ship's exceptic tanks in the atmosphere, causing a rainbow of 101 00:08:24.649 --> 00:08:28.399 excrement to emerge from the ship's exhaust as they flew off into the twilight evening. 102 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:43.590 Wasn't that amazing? I don't think there is anything in the world better 103 00:08:43.629 --> 00:08:48.029 than being trapped alone in a strange place, rescued and reunited with family so 104 00:08:48.149 --> 00:08:52.590 you can finally go home. Right for Jordan now, if everyone will move 105 00:08:52.669 --> 00:08:56.740 into the den. I believe Chad is going to share a poem with us 106 00:08:56.779 --> 00:09:11.529 by the American can author Robert Kenny Tanis. All Day staring at the ceiling, 107 00:09:11.889 --> 00:09:22.610 making friends with shadows on my wall, all night hearing voices telling me 108 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:33.480 that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something. Hold 109 00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:45.230 on. Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why I'm 110 00:09:45.389 --> 00:09:52.179 talking to myself in public. Dodge and glances on the train and I know, 111 00:09:54.340 --> 00:09:58.700 I know, they've all been talking about me. I can hear them 112 00:09:58.820 --> 00:10:05.460 whisper and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me. Out 113 00:10:05.500 --> 00:10:15.610 of all the hours thinking somehow I've lost my mind, I've been talking in 114 00:10:16.129 --> 00:10:22.200 my sleep. Pretty soon they'll come to get me. Yeah, they're taking 115 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:30.120 me away, but I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I 116 00:10:30.279 --> 00:10:35.549 know right now you can't tell, but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 117 00:10:37.389 --> 00:10:41.990 the different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. 118 00:10:43.710 --> 00:10:48.950 I know right now you don't care, but soon enough you're going to 119 00:10:48.070 --> 00:11:05.210 think of me and how I used to be such a moving composition. I 120 00:11:05.610 --> 00:11:09.850 could hear Chad's raw emotion, especially on the talking to myself in public part 121 00:11:11.529 --> 00:11:13.730 too down one to Goo. You guessed it. It's time to move on 122 00:11:13.850 --> 00:11:24.759 to the grotto for aerial story. I can't wait. It was a tiny 123 00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:31.399 hovel in the middle of a sprawling countryside. The Times were filled with suspicions 124 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:35.990 and paranoia, and there was good reason to be. The Village Messenger was 125 00:11:37.029 --> 00:11:41.909 named Mr mcpheeley, which is the worst name for a man whose favorite thing 126 00:11:41.070 --> 00:11:46.779 was to deliver special packages to children. The overlord's wife claimed to give birth 127 00:11:46.820 --> 00:11:50.659 to rabbits. Look, it was a thing, give it a cook. 128 00:11:52.059 --> 00:11:58.340 The bread was stark white and tasted of industrial cleaner. The oreos looked suspiciously 129 00:11:58.419 --> 00:12:03.090 off brand. The water ran brown and usually had insect eggs in it, 130 00:12:03.210 --> 00:12:07.649 which would cause cholera and dysentery. Have you ever played work in trail? 131 00:12:09.649 --> 00:12:13.889 was like that, only in Jolly Old England. And so, like a 132 00:12:13.049 --> 00:12:18.480 giant game of clue, the townspeople side eyed each other and one morning an 133 00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:24.039 old cow called babe was found dead as a door nail. This was not 134 00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:30.710 a good sign. Evil was a foot and the citizens of the little hamlet 135 00:12:31.190 --> 00:12:35.110 had no idea what was to be done. That is, until Matthew Hopkins, 136 00:12:35.629 --> 00:12:41.269 the Self proclaimed witch finder general strolled into town walking stick in hand, 137 00:12:41.669 --> 00:12:48.419 dressed in finery, looking every bit the pretentious Faqu was your problem, he 138 00:12:48.500 --> 00:12:52.740 announced to the town, is there is a witch among you. A hell 139 00:12:52.899 --> 00:12:58.250 thought gundred. This again. Gundred was an old woman who had been amidwife 140 00:12:58.370 --> 00:13:03.610 from a young age and hailed from a family of healers. She would mix 141 00:13:03.690 --> 00:13:07.129 herbs and oils to make remedies, tending to the sick and those with child. 142 00:13:09.450 --> 00:13:13.080 But beyond this, she was of a prophetic nature whose dreams came to 143 00:13:13.200 --> 00:13:20.360 her for telling a future of ends, and usually she was right. So, 144 00:13:20.600 --> 00:13:24.799 as the townspeople gasped and began to point fingers as Deuchecanoe, Matthew Hopkins 145 00:13:24.879 --> 00:13:28.950 Grin and from the sidelines, she began to quietly sneak away from the crowd, 146 00:13:30.429 --> 00:13:35.070 back to her shack and her herbs and her cats. Hopkins spotted her. 147 00:13:35.470 --> 00:13:41.820 Who's this old hag, he bellowed. Gone, dread, that's Gotty, 148 00:13:41.899 --> 00:13:50.019 gun dread. She's a Haylen and Midwife and Oh witch or gas erupted 149 00:13:50.059 --> 00:13:54.809 from the thrones. Yaha, must be a witch, young Bertram shouted. 150 00:13:56.409 --> 00:14:01.970 She predicted my pants would fall down once, and they did. The old 151 00:14:01.970 --> 00:14:05.129 woman rolled her eyes. You had warn your brother's pans and they were too 152 00:14:05.210 --> 00:14:13.919 big. Ol Gervey's chimed in. She predicted the rain last week. gundred 153 00:14:13.960 --> 00:14:20.279 again rolled her eyes. There were literally storm clouds in the distance. Middle 154 00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:24.159 aged is older piped up. She told me there was a why not? 155 00:14:24.590 --> 00:14:28.950 Not to get pregnant if he shapes intestines to wrap up the penis so the 156 00:14:28.070 --> 00:14:33.710 men's love Mayonnaise doesn't make its way to the woman's babyholder. UNDRED's eyes grew 157 00:14:33.789 --> 00:14:43.460 wide. But but it would work. Matthew Hopkins Street, DO YOU HATE 158 00:14:43.659 --> 00:14:54.250 BABIES? Every sperm is sacred. She is a usually there was a trial 159 00:14:54.370 --> 00:15:00.169 and what that, but this evidence was pretty extreme. As she was grabbed 160 00:15:00.210 --> 00:15:03.929 by the arms and dragged to the gallows, she pleaded the townspeople be reasonable. 161 00:15:05.450 --> 00:15:11.039 I was never with child. Do you wonder how that's possible? Because 162 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:16.879 it works. Sex should be pleasurable. I don't want eighteen pregnancies and seven 163 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:22.389 deadcaides. My cats are assholes enough. Please listen. Better. Words fell 164 00:15:22.429 --> 00:15:26.830 upon deaf ears, and not even because science wasn't really a thing in small 165 00:15:26.909 --> 00:15:33.429 town bum fuck England, nor even that she was soup sex positive. Mostly 166 00:15:33.509 --> 00:15:37.139 they were just ages. And didn't want to think about old gundred fucking, 167 00:15:37.299 --> 00:15:41.460 which apparently she did a lot. So they assumed it must be with the 168 00:15:41.580 --> 00:15:46.059 devil, though there were definitely some old Horn dogs in the audience who blushed 169 00:15:46.059 --> 00:15:50.730 a little and looked at the ground. She was placed upon a stool, 170 00:15:50.169 --> 00:15:56.610 her neck in the noose, awaiting the short drop. Matthew Hopkins turned to 171 00:15:56.769 --> 00:16:02.210 her and spoke shall you not confess? Which? Shall you not try to 172 00:16:02.250 --> 00:16:07.440 save your soul? No one knows for sure what her answer was, but 173 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:11.399 the Lore states that she looked him square in the eye, spatted at him 174 00:16:11.960 --> 00:16:15.320 and called him an insult. This was largely lost in the crowd, but 175 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:18.789 they knew it had to be an insult, and I mean let's be real, 176 00:16:18.950 --> 00:16:23.870 right. So the still was kicked and she began the Jig of the 177 00:16:23.870 --> 00:16:30.429 dying man, and so that's where our modern rubbers get their name from. 178 00:16:30.470 --> 00:16:45.500 The accused, which gundred condomned to death. Spectacular Job Arial. I can't 179 00:16:45.539 --> 00:16:48.450 imagine how happy you are that Lloyd's not here to dissect that one. If 180 00:16:48.490 --> 00:16:52.769 you don't know what I mean, give it a goog you know I'm just 181 00:16:52.889 --> 00:16:56.889 kidding, Ariel. I mean people that say I love you can be open 182 00:16:56.970 --> 00:17:00.679 and honest, right, and they obviously return messages and answer the phone when 183 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:04.759 you call. Right, Ariel. Right, I know things are complicated, 184 00:17:06.039 --> 00:17:10.279 but I have feelings too, and right now I'm just a girl standing in 185 00:17:10.400 --> 00:17:14.400 front of a girl in the headquarters of a top secret agency, asking her 186 00:17:14.480 --> 00:17:18.750 to love her. Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of 187 00:17:18.829 --> 00:17:23.309 Down De Folk. This episode was mostly written and performed by Ariel Chat and 188 00:17:23.309 --> 00:17:27.390 Jordan. Down the folk is a proud member of the pod fix network. 189 00:17:27.950 --> 00:17:33.980 Please visit them online at pot fix networkcom. Remember to join us again next 190 00:17:33.019 --> 00:17:37.579 week for the shocking conclusion of chapter one. We are DTF stories on the 191 00:17:37.660 --> 00:17:42.819 all social media platforms and online at DTF storiescom. If you would like to 192 00:17:42.900 --> 00:17:48.289 support the show, like all of our amazing supporters, visit DTF Storiescom support 193 00:17:48.369 --> 00:17:52.529 to find out how. Once again, a special thank you to mask and 194 00:17:52.569 --> 00:17:56.930 to each and every one of you for this opportunity to serve as your guest 195 00:17:56.009 --> 00:18:00.200 host for a second week in a row on behalf of the Ministry of augmented 196 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:06.160 something, something and Akay, this is Jessica Johnson, wishing you a wonderful 197 00:18:06.240 --> 00:18:12.190 evening. You've been listening to a podcast of the pod fix network. Discover 198 00:18:12.349 --> 00:18:17.589 more audible gym's like this at pod fix networkcom. Make sure to catch up 199 00:18:17.630 --> 00:18:21.990 to the minute networks and Andigan's by following at pod fix on twitter, official 200 00:18:22.029 --> 00:18:26.750 underscore pod fix on Instagram, at pod fix network on Facebook, and make 201 00:18:26.750 --> 00:18:30.180 sure to subscribe to pod fix presents, wherever you choose to find podcasts the 202 00:18:30.259 --> 00:18:41.369 pod fix network. Artist, own and love. Hey, he wanted to 203 00:18:41.410 --> 00:18:47.289 see me yes. On my desk is a folder inside as your next story. 204 00:18:47.730 --> 00:18:49.890 Cool. Can I give it to Jordan? As the senior member of 205 00:18:51.130 --> 00:18:56.079 this team. I am entrusting it with you. WHOA wait a minute, 206 00:18:56.440 --> 00:19:00.799 no, no, no, no, no, I am not reading this. 207 00:19:00.359 --> 00:19:04.559 Hell, no, we are running out of time. This is the 208 00:19:04.640 --> 00:19:10.309 way. All right, look, Mando, you know what happens if I 209 00:19:10.390 --> 00:19:17.869 read this all too well. But sometimes, when you're in Helle, only 210 00:19:17.950 --> 00:19:18.950 the devil can help you.